Thank you FS, for the perspective and for the kind words. And that’s good for me to remember; that this isn’t all about detaching all the time. I feel like I went so far in the other direction for so long that now I’m going all in with detaching. I’ve been going to extremes and am still struggling to find the balance.

I also don’t speak with anyone who I know through my daughter about my sitch. I’d like to assume that my husband doesn’t either, but we didn’t really discuss it specifically. It’s a 180 for me to not try to find out and control what he does or doesn’t say, so I’m going with letting it go and hoping he will hold that line with people in our daughters sphere. It is absolutely possible that people might know and just not say anything, and id like to hope people would be polite enough not to question me if they did know. For me ( and my control issues haha) I mostly just want to know exactly who knows and who doesn’t. But letting go of worrying about that is worth the small amount of mental freedom.

I had a hiccup with H this evening and I’m having lots of mixed feelings. Our daughter(3) asked him to come to her soccer practice to watch her (it’s in the middle of the weekday afternoon) and he got excited and said maybe he’d try to take her sometime. This triggered me because a) he’d never have taken off work for that before he moved out, and b) I didn’t like that he worded it that way; that he’d take her himself as opposed to meeting us there and coming to watch. I reacted poorly and showed my feelings a bit more than I’d like, and he was confused and didn’t understand why I was upset. I explained and he apologized but I was feeling like he didn’t really get it and was just pacifying me (old pattern between us) and I was annoyed. Just now before he left he brought it up and asked if I felt ok about it (180 for him to bring up an issue, he’s typically a major under-the-rug guy) and we talked about it some. I told him what I had been feeling but that I realized that I was having expectations from him that were unrealistic at this point. I told him that I appreciated his apologizing (which is also a 180 for him, he is not an apologizer) and that I appreciate his think h about it, and that I acknowledge that I may have over reacted. I suppose it went quite well, when all is said and done. It’s just very unnerving to have any kind of negativity between us arise. It all feels so tenuous, and I get scared any time we have any tension or a negative exchange. I know how irrational and unrealistic it is, but I put immense pressure on myself to avoid having any negative feelings around him, for fear of scaring him off further. It’s painful to tho k that for me, getting through that with him the way we did feels like a win and a step in the right direction, and to him it may just be a reminder of why he left. But I am human, and I do have feelings and I know I can’t ramp them all down all the time. It’s just scary to be human around him at the moment, I suppose.
Anyway, I hope I handled it all ok. I am sitting here torn over whether I should text him to reiterate my apology for over reacting, or if that would be too pursuant and I should just leave it as is. UGH. THIS. IS. SO. HARD.