Alison, I think I would have regretted not giving this a try. If I had walked away from him, then I would not have ever known what it could be. If what it's turning out to be doesn't ever feel right, well then I can make a different choice when the time comes. Right now tho, my main motivation is for my children. And fortunately he has done everything that he can do to show that he is remorseful, trustworthy and committed to making this work. It's still not easy tho and perhaps the hardest thing I have done. I have to constantly put my head over my heart. It doesn't feel natural at times.

When I am having a lot of doubts, I go back to this -- if it is true what people say, that everything happens for a reason, then I must be able to find meaning in this too. What can I learn from this? How can I change and become a better person? I think in a lot of ways I have. I think I like myself now more than I did before BD. When someone pulls the rug out from under your life, and you come crashing down, you have to eventually pick yourself up. No one can do that for you. I think before BD, I had these ideas about how life should be and about how relationships should be. Perhaps I was narrow-minded because I hadn't known what real soul-crushing heartbreak was. But it didn't kill me. I survived it. And I believe I am stronger for it. I think that might be the meaning in all this. And for me, finding meaning in this, makes it much easier to accept. It was my silver lining so to speak.

All that being said, I don't think we should take our S back simply because they are willing and it's an available option. You mention that you are in limbo, and that it is you that is keeping yourself there. Sometimes it can be hard to see the truth when we have been hurt. Do you not trust him or do you not trust yourself? The answer is somewhere but may not be visible yet. I am going to look at your sitch ...

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela