I met my husband in 1999 and got married after 3 months of dating. For the past 19 years I’ve always considered myself so lucky to have such a good husband. He’s always been very family-oriented, caring, loving and romantic. We have three kids, two daughters aged 14 and 12 and a son who’s 10. He has travelled a lot for his work and at times it has strained the marriage because I’ve felt alone and lonely. Thing got worse when we moved 3 years ago to a new country (For his work) and I didn’t have a social circle, so I got a bit depressed. Now after 3 years of living here, I have found my circle and life has been good.
Last summer my husband joined the gym, stopped drinking so much and got contacts instead of glasses. He did some advance schooling to advance his career, and I was so happy for him, because the amount of work related stress he has been under has been so much, that I thought this was good for him and then also for us. Hahahaa, in retrospect I should have been worried.
In the early January he went away for business and when he came back, he surprised me with a romantic hotel weekend. We stayed in the room all weekend, only ordering roomservice, and I was so happy. He went away again two days after that.
When he came back a month later, I knew right away that something had changed. He wouldn’t tell me anything, so I snooped around his emails (I know it’s wrong) and found pictures of a younger woman. When I confronted him, he admitted that he was having an affair. He said he wanted to work on the marriage though, and when he left again, I thought that we were going to fix this. Until he got to his destination and stopped answering my phone calls or messages. A few days later calling me and telling me that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. And for me to please leave him alone.
I did leave him alone for the two weeks he was gone, but when he came home I took him to a hotel (so we could talk without the kids) and I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore” And he couldn’t stand to be close to me. So he moved out. This was late March. After that he shut down all communication and seemed to be angry with me about everything.
Just in the past two weeks we’ve started to communicate again, and he’s talked about this situation a bit more. He is saying that he’s been unhappy for 4 years and he should’ve talked to me about it, but he was trying to save our marriage, when I didn’t even know it was in trouble. He’s completely re-writing our history and putting ALL the blame on me. Like I was the only one in this marriage. How he’s been so unhappy and then little things started to irritate him and he felt like he started to hate me. And he just had to get out.
He has filed for a divorce and is saying that he doesn’t think he can come back. I guess it’s better than him saying that just seeing me makes him want to throw up? He says that he’s worried that if I wait for him, that I’ll just hurt myself.
I haven’t asked about the OW because I think she’s irrelevant. But I do suspect it’s still going on. Luckily she live in another country too, so they can’t be physically together so much, but I know he has flown to see her a couple of times already.
Even though he has filed for a divorce, there’s a 6 months waiting period before you can finalize the divorce and the clock hasn’t started to tick, as I haven’t signed the notification yet. I’m buying time.
Today he told me we need to separate our finances because he wants to buy a Harley. He has opened a new bank account and I’m almost sure he will start having his pay go there, leaving me quite hopeless, financially.
I’m so confused, he’s obviously in MLC and I want to wait it out, but I feel like he’s in such a hurry to get out of the marriage and our life. He hasn’t even thought of the financial consequences. He thinks that we should keep on co-owning our house and summerhouse, even after the divorce? How would that even work?
Now he wants us to agree on the financial aspects and alimonies, so that he can buy his Harley. He wants me to move out of the familyhome, firstly because it is quite expensive, especially now that he’s gotten himself another apartment. I would just like to stay where I am, in case he wants to come back. If I move out, I will have to downsize and then I’m afraid there’s no room for him to come back. Which is silly, but I don’t know, I just don’t want to let go yet. Any advice? Any encouragement, please! How long will this craziness last?!?
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
