I read some of your timeline, some things sound so familiar. My kids are a bit younger (7,5,3). Did you ever understand, after the D, why your W made that decision?
I did speak to a L for free consult. It made me feel better about what I can expect financially and custody-wise. Nothing I have done would justify something other than a standard arrangement.
I feel like it is unfair for W to have me in limbo. Probably since January she has obviously been detaching from me. No ILY, no touching other than a daily hug, no sharing of feelings. She does secretive stuff, on her phone a lot. I found a stashed Xanax Rx. In the past she would have shared these sort of things. In the meantime, I have reached out several times (usually in writing or e-mail) wanting to talk about things, to understand her feelings better, to work on things. Even so I fight that instinct to reach out just ONE more time:
"I feel like we are in limbo. I love you. I feel like we are drifting apart and I would like to work on our M together in MC if that is a goal you share also."
Then I read the above and think... she's checked out, what the heck am I doing? I am in denial of reality! She agreed to MC in June/July only as a way to let me down easy (she expresses no desire to work on things), I've already made it clear so many times that I'd like to work on things, she will treat this as pressure, it will reaffirm her belief that she needs to leave, I am weak and needy and dependent.
Ultimately like you and many others are telling me, this M is >99.99% over. As I understand it, the beauty of DB'g is that it is somewhat outcome-independent -- whether we reconcile or split, I will be in a better place if I can stick to these principles. I have a lot of fear about the future - going from sharing a beautiful home with happy kids to living alone and seeing my kids sporadically.
