I saw H last night. He finished a big chunk of the project he's been working on and submitted it yesterday. The kids were really excited and wanted to bake him a cake (it was Eldest's suggestion, actually) so I bought them the ingredients for that and let them do it. When H came to see them in the evening, he was obviously utterly exhausted and wasn't as enthusiastic as Eldest wanted - so Eldest got in a bit of a mood. I could see it escalating so I took the kids out with the dog. Asked H to come with us (Eldest really wants this) and he got very reactive and sullen about it - saying he was too tired, didn't feel like being told off, etc etc. So we just went on our own. Spent the walk validating Eldest and settling myself down.
I think he knows full well how deficient he is being as a father - he sees them a couple of hours twice a week at the moment. He barely makes conversation with them. I believe he'd like to - but he just can't. I don't feel angry with him about it, but I also don't feel like enabling it either. Eldest is craving his approval and attention and he is too wrapped up in his own suffering to give it - and that is causing damage to their relationship I can do nothing about. It's actually really sad.
He was still here when we got back. He talked to me a bit - said things would be different in the summer, he'd be a better friend to me, more present, have more fun with the children. I think he sees how much time the kids and I have been spending getting out and about together and what an effect it has had on the household mood and our relationships. I think this was also him acknowledging he'd been a bit of a downer and disappointed the kids. I wish he'd had the humility to acknowledge it to them - I don't care whether he made a fuss of the cake or not but they certainly did - but it is what it is.
I was feeling thoughtful last night. Wondering if I have the balance right between compassion and boundaries. I want to be kind to this man who is clearly suffering. I don't want to leave myself open to the kind of treatment he sometimes dishes out when he is feeling bad. I think I had the balance right last night - I was friendly and neutral - but I do feel a bit troubled sometimes by how hard it is to feel loving towards him right now. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for the damage he is doing to the relationships he has with his children. I find it difficult to respect him when he's so self-pitying and self-righteous. He wasn't critical of me but when we were chatting as I cleaned up after dinner, he got animated in having a good moaning session about some mutual friends of ours - and yes, they are a bit irritating, but who isn't - and it was the most animated I'd seen him in weeks, tearing strips off other people. We've bonded like that in the past, me joining in on it, but I didn't feel like it this time and I just made listening noises and let him run out of steam with it. I don't want to bond with him over ridiculing other people. I don't like that side of myself and I want to change it. I don't like that side of him either. The constant critical negativity and finding fault with everything. But there you go. I don't have to like him. I am okay with how I behaved last night.
Today is an admin day. Ugh. But I will concentrate on the accomplished feeling I will have when it is all done!
