OM Backed Out

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Gerda and DnJ.

Where to start...

I was really kind of glad when I saw what you wrote. Not glad you suffered, but glad that you confirmed that love is real and forever.

Yes, I believe that love is real and forever. I married XW forever. I've always believed that if I ever became single again, for whatever reason, I would not marry again.

You love unconditionally. You committed your heart and you still love your woman, the love of your life, even if her body is currently occupied/overtaken by an alien.

Haha. "Love of my life." Very true statement. I used to tell her that all of the time. She never minded hearing that she was the love of my life until all this started. Then, she told me to stop saying that she was the love of my life. Funny thing is...I knew the first time that I ever saw her that I was nuts about her.

December 23, 1983
I was 16 years old. She walked by my house as I was standing outside. Her eyes got my attention. Absolutely beautiful. I did not talk to her that day. In fact, it was another six months before I would even see her again but.....I knew. Sound crazy?

Why is loving her when you saw her, the real W, across the darkness, why is that a reason to beat yourself up?

I don't know. I guess that maybe I think I should be past it by now. I know a lot of divorced people that have moved on....really moved on. I thought I had.

If her MLC has nothing to do with you, why would it be possible for you to kill the love you felt for her? Why just because she chose to trash her life would it mean that you would be able to kill your own feelings?

? ? ?

Never thought of it like that....

But I see your love as a victory. It's a cross to bear, and if you don't want to wait for XW, I am sure that you will one day heal enough to give that love to someone else and to feel the sting of it for your XW less than you do right now. But to me, it's a victory that you feel that kind of love, it will be a victory if you feel it until the end, and I don't think you should ever try to stomp it out, even if you have to put it in a little box when you meet someone else.

Thanks Gerda.

Honestly, I'm not looking for a new relationship. I would like someone to do things with if I found someone that had the same likes and dislikes as me, but I really have no plans for another relationship. Even if I did get romantically involved with someone and even if I did break my own rule and get married again, I honestly can't see myself ever feeling the way I felt about XW. Plus, I'm 51. This kid didn't age well.

I saw an internal shift within you; I propose a few more. Feel free to tell me “DnJ you’re out to lunch!”. I won’t be offended.

Nah DnJ. It's all good. No worries.

You loved your W, and still do.

Maybe, but I feel like I shouldn't. I mean, after the cheating, lies, cheating, cheating, lies, lies, and cheating,....



?

I guess I just feel like that unless I bury the way I feel about her, I'll always hurt. I'm tired of hurting, sadness...all of it. I've been doing pretty good lately, but the event just seemed to stir up a lot of emotions. I actually had to turn away when our eyes locked the other night because I didn't want her to see me upset. Like I said, I was disappointed that those feelings still existed. Thought I was pretty much done.

I do not believe you have a personality flaw. After all she has done, the lies, everything - it is ok to love her. Do not hate that! You possess a fine quality that you see as a flaw - shift that internal perspective. Please!

Thank you. I'll try.

Be accurate in thought and heart. Does she really have a hold on you? Or is it you doing the holding? On yourself and her? Fear?

Not sure...I think though if she does still affect me like she did the other night, I would say that she has a hold....or something.

You have nothing to be ashamed of; you are a good person. I think you know manning up isn’t the answer that works for you. Most of us, that find our way here, are cut from a different cloth.

Thank you. Thanks for the kind words. I don't believe that you are out to lunch. Today was better, but still a little down. Proud of myself that I went, just wish that it didn't affect me the way it did. Just surprised me a little.

I need to get out and do something tomorrow.

Tad