Hi Gerda! Its so good to hear from you! I was so happy to see your name pop up on the boards!Isn't it funny how these names have come to represent us in such a meaningful way to others even though they aren't even really our names? You are one of my favorite people!!
Its been so long since I've written anything I am not even sure where to begin. I guess I should start by saying that I am doing ok. With every day that passes I get better. But, at the same time, me getting better also makes me a little sad. I have gotten to the point that I do not think about me and W getting back together much. I feel my feelings for her either fading into nothing or being bricked up behind an impenetrable wall. I'm not sure which it is, because the result is that I don't really feel them much any more. That makes me a little sad because when I was depressed about my marriage and wanting everything to work out between us and for our relationship to be restored, that felt right to me...even if it was unhealthy for me emotionally. Losing that feeling of wanting things to work out is the natural progression and what I should be working towards and I admit to not wanting to feel depressed all the time. And to clarify, I am not saying that I am hoping that things never work out, just that I am losing or have lost the desire that they do...I'm just moving on. Accepting that is what makes me a little sad.
W seems to be a little nicer to me these days. I don't think shes out of the tunnel yet or anything, but her demeanor seems a little different. Before she had her cold dead eyes and a cold look she'd give me. It would seem that she would go out of her way to not talk to me at times, and would only contact me if she absolutely had to for scheduling the kids stuff. Now, her eyes are not quite as cold and dead. She looks at me a lot more when she talks, and she initiates conversations a little more. Nothing big, but after 2 years of coldness from her, it seems different. Of course this comes at a time where I feel pretty emotionally distant from her. Emotionally I don't really feel like I care how she's changing a little. I feel like it is just an observation on my part. I mean, after 2 years of being treated like yesterdays trash, a little bit of niceness isn't going to fix things for me. I don't trust her with my heart and at this point I have no reason to think that I ever should.
My kids seem to be doing well...with me at least. My daughter still seems to not like her mother much at all. She is pretty rude to her and will barely engage in any kind of conversation with her mother. W seems to be trying with her, but D will have none of it. It would kill me if D ever treated me the way she treats W. D and I, on the other hand, are closer than we've ever been. We do stuff together all the time and always seem to have a blast! S is 15 and fully engaged in his own personal life. I think he finds some of his moms behavior a little annoying, but mostly he is just doing his own thing.
I feel like I've learned so much from these boards and it has helped me in navigating this difficult experience. I really do not know what I would have done without all of you! Lately I have been trying to stay off the boards a little. Sometimes I feel like reading all the stories is a stumbling block for me because it causes me to relive much of the pain I've experienced over the last couple of years. But, I can't help but come back and catch up on you guys stories because you have become such an important part of my life.
So, overall I'm doing pretty well. I am about a month away from it being a year since W moved out (the last time anyways). I am hoping that date passing won't be hard. I don't think it will be because the hard dates for me these days have more to do with missing being a happy family, not necessarily anything to do with mine and Ws relationship. I'm wondering if that ship has sailed in regards to reconciliation. I can' even picture living with her anymore. I can't even picture sharing an intimate conversation with her anymore.
Oh, and DNJ, I'm sorry I never replied to your last message. I did not see it. You are such a good man and I appreciate you checking on me. That was such a kind thing to say, and I'm glad you feel that way. I like being included in that list of names!
