Your situation is still very young. One of the key principles of Divorce Remedy is that if you focus on changing yourself, you can change your relationship, and you've already seen evidence that your interactions are changing as your behavior changes.
Personally, I feel that marriage is rarely 50-50. Sometimes one spouse is pouring more into the relationship than the other, and then in another season of life, it will be the other spouse giving more. It's expected that if a spouse is not sure they want to be in the marriage, they might not be interested in improving as a spouse. Again, it goes back to DR. One spouse can make a difference, even if the other isn't interested in working on things.
Thanks for the input Rose, Yes you are right, I feel that I have already seen some really positive changes after I have been working on myself. I wish I had more time before we separate. W and MIL will be moving out in 2 weeks now. During most of our M, my W was the one who put the most work into the M. Now it is me who is trying to make a difference as you said.
Originally Posted by Rose888
Even now, years past our crisis, I find that if I start focusing on this thing my husband said or that thing he did, our marriage gets bumpy, whereas if I turn that energy to working on improving my own behaviors as a spouse, things get better. Stay on your side of the street.
(As for sex, in the absence of an affair, and as long as she is living in the house with you, I wouldn't avoid sex if she seems receptive. Sex and touch (if welcomed!) release hormones that encourage bonding.)
You are right Rose. I should just be focusing on improving myself at this point and not worrying about if she will change. Things have already gotten somewhat better since I started working on myself. In regards to the touch, we have been cuddling in bed most nights. Great improvement compared to BD when she would recoil from any touch.
On another note: I’m having some trouble. During our M, my W would always be asking me for favors, “can you grab that for me, can you do this”. Very frequently. I would do some things for her but I didn’t want to feel whipped or appear weak so many times I would tell her to get it herself or do it herself.
Looking back I feel she really didn’t like this. When I would respond do it herself she probably thought, wow he doesn’t care about me enough to even get me a cup if water. The other day she was complaining about how dirty her car was. My MIL said, “we can send hallsy to the car wash”. (MIL is always around and always getting involved in our personal conversations which is a whole other issue in itself). My W responded “he would never do something like that for me”.
So my dilemma: I don’t want to be a doormat for her. But during the M I was refusing to do things for her that I think she really wanted from me. Previously if she asked me to do something, even if I did it I would complain or give her attitude. I have really done a 180 on this and am helping within reason (said no to helping her move out and build furniture in her new apartment). But where do I draw the line in doing favors to avoid being a doormat?
Small update: Wife has gotten upset with me over trivial stuff a few times the last few days. Shut her down for crossing a boundary once and the other times just acted like it didn’t bother me at all. She has made a comment about how I am “a whole new man” a few times this week. She has also complained about changes I have made since BD a few times saying things like “it’s frustrating that now you care about new clothes” among other things.
She ended up canceling the shopping trip she had planned stating “I can’t make it, go without me”. Which I did but as I was finishing she called me asking if I had gone yet and if I could get her something. She also never brought up going to our favorite restaurant after initially saying that we should go. She canceled going to my hockey game yesterday because she “didn’t want to take the time to get ready to go” but she promised she would go next week. I have been playing it off like I could care less that she canceled on me although when she asked if I wanted her and my S to go to my hockey game, I said yes.
