P_Jam, thank you for weighing in. Rookie or not, I appreciate everyone's input. IMO, we can all learn something from anyone if we keep an open mind. I would agree that opening our hearts again and trusting someone does come with a "cost" and that might very well be vulnerability. My H has said the same thing about me: that I keep a wall up and do not allow myself to be vulnerable. I don't feel as if I do that consciously, but am not going to disagree with it. I have done some of my own research on forgiveness, however what I've learned is that it is such a personal and individual thing. We all experience it and treat it differently. I think for me, forgiveness it is not an end goal to be achieved, but more of process that I am constantly moving through. The process has been bumpy, and not linear, and at times I take 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back. I do recognize that as the years go by, it feels as if it is getting easier.
Hi Alison. I would like to read your sitch. Sometimes I randomly follow people here, and then miss different posters, but for no reason other than because I randomly open up the site and happen to read from the first page of posts. I will find your threads. ... One thing I've noticed is that most threads that are active are newbies that first come here and are in the new/desperate phase of their sitch. Some stick around and some move on. We don't tend to talk as much about what happens after the initial shock, when people slightly come back together, yet there is little momentum to move strongly in one direction. That can be very hard and confusing and there are no set rules for that. ... Do I regret my decision to R? In one word, no. If you read my threads tho, you can see how messy and confusing it has all been, so I will never say it was the "best" decision, but it is one I will stand by. Until I don't anymore or until I am clear that it will work out as I want it to. I am 4 years in and this is a long marathon ...
Neffer, thanks. You know, I have heard/read this a lot - that forgiveness is not so much something you give to the other person, but that it is something you give yourself. I get that. When we hold onto a grudge, we in essence poison our own soul by continuing to allow the negative thoughts and emotions. We free ourselves of that when we accept and forgive. As I said above, I don't see forgiveness as an end goal. It is certainly not a light switch that I can turn on. For me it has been a process. Some of that has been based on his consistent commitment to me, our M and our family. However more of it has been based on my own thoughts, actions and choices. .... And let's be real, there are varying degrees of assaults that a person can do. Having a brief EA or a one night stand, and then coming to your W and asking for forgiveness is one level. Having an extended affair -- a long full on R -- with OW and then leaving your W, children and home is quite another level. IMO, it is one of the worst things a man can do. While some may argue that anyone is capable of that, I will argue that most do not actually go through with it. So really Neffer, my forgiveness is less motivated by him deserving my forgiveness, or by me freeing myself of a harmful grudge, but more so it is motivated by the fact that my children deserve it. When I chose to have kids, I chose to provide as much for them as I possibly can, and that includes a loving family. H is on board, and so I will give it by best effort too, even if it takes many years. Now, if he still had any feelings/thoughts about OW (as you have posted that you do at times), I can tell you I would be long gone. He has to be in this 100% now for me to even consider him, and now I have to keep working to meet him there ....
To Be Continued ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
