OM Backed Out

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

I am glad you went to the party. I know how difficult a decision that was to make and accept.

Screw it.

I'm going.

That was made when OM was still to be going. Our biggest steps are the internal ones; but aren’t all the steps really internal?

Your outlook and situation changed a bit, with your internal shift.

I eagerly awaited news on how the party went and how you felt and fared. I was glad to see it was drama-free and without incident. It is very good of you to speak with XSIL and XMIL. Cordial, amicable, kind, and with feelings stirred is a very good outcome from such an event.

I did postpone responding with my own thoughts and encouragement. As I said, eagerly awaiting - I wanted to think on this for a spell and not just feel it.

I saw an internal shift within you; I propose a few more. Feel free to tell me “DnJ you’re out to lunch!”. I won’t be offended.

I went to the party, but I'm really p!ssed at myself. She still has a hold on me and probably always will. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself and am not as "done" as I had thought. I may never be "done" at this rate.

This sux.

My grandmother used to tell me that I was too sentimental...that I was a sentimental fool. Maybe it is because she was my very first "true love" or maybe I just have a really bad personality flaw. Maybe I'll never completely be "done." After all my tough talk of not wanting to be friends and wanting nothing to do with her, and after all of the lies and everything that she has done....she still has a hold on me.

I hate it and hate the fact that (even though I no longer know her) she still gets to me.

A different internal view perhaps.

Of course she has a hold on you.

My XW, her memory and our wonderful life together, totally lives within me.

One cannot rid themselves of their feelings and memories. Feelings are not within our control, our thoughts are, and they can influence our feelings and beliefs.

If one is attempting to be done with their spouse it will lead to regret, resentment, disappointment, and being p!ssed. Instead, realize the truth and embrace it. You loved your W, and still do.

I love my W, XW, mother of my children - whoever, how ever many layers of detachment you wish to place between - I still love her. Love her enough to let her go. Her and I lived and loved for 30 years. That just doesn’t go away, and I suspect it won’t. I can love her and someone else, my heart is big enough.

I do not believe you have a personality flaw. After all she has done, the lies, everything - it is ok to love her. Do not hate that! You possess a fine quality that you see as a flaw - shift that internal perspective. Please!

Be accurate in thought and heart. Does she really have a hold on you? Or is it you doing the holding? On yourself and her? Fear?

It is ok. Accept your feelings, understand, be compassionate - especially to yourself.

Flip this completely on its head. Do a huge 180.

I hate love it and hate love the fact that (even though I no longer know her) she still gets to me.

Looks weird right?

Love and hate are both of the same desire and passion, just different ends of that spectrum, and only a razors breadth apart. Indifference is the opposite of that desire.

Hating, show passions and desire. Look and accept it from a loving point of view. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. It shows much about Tad. Much good about Tad! Embrace that. Love that.

Something we have all heard:

Accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change or erase your feelings or past. Choose wisdom and accept.

Kindness, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance.

Tad, I see you right on the cusp of a wonderful shift within yourself. You have seen your feelings, you know your feelings. Now you just need to look at them and yourself from a different perspective.

Then, there was that eye contact that was NOT the shark eyes...for a brief moment, it was the old XW. My girl. The girl that I loved and would do anything for. She was there....and then gone again.

I'll be honest. I've been doing pretty good lately but, am a little ashamed that things like last night still mess me up. Maybe I should just man up and shut up. People get divorced every day. In October, it will be nine years since bomb drop. NINE FREAKING YEARS. And, I'm still coming to this board...

You have nothing to be ashamed of; you are a good person. I think you know manning up isn’t the answer that works for you. Most of us, that find our way here, are cut from a different cloth. There are other website that support a more cut and dried approach; and not a very compassionate approach in my opinion.

You, Tad, are worth the effort required for the compassionate and forgiving route. Believe that!

I do hope that makes some sense. I am willing to discuss and explorer anything further that you wish to, or I could just be out to lunch.

DnJ