This is NOT your fault. Even if you were the worst husband in the history of the world, turning to someone outside the marriage is not defendable. There is no excuse for it, ever. She had a choice between working on the marriage, or ending it. Those are only choices that a spouse can make and remain innocent. Stepping out of the marriage is NEVER right.
So stop beating yourself up. Even perfect spouses get cheated on. Cheating is a choice made by morally bankrupt individuals. She made this choice, and when it comes to her cheating your failures as a husband DO NOT MATTER. Otherwise anytime any spouse was less than perfect it would give the other spouse permission to go have sex with a third party. That doesn't make sense.
You have to approach this from a position of strength, and taking the blame for it is not that..
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What Steve said oops. Its not your fault. Yes its good to reflect on what you did. But that was your 50%. It was her choice to throw her vows in the trash.
My WW not only cheated on me, but after I caught her she wouldnt stop. Zero remorse because she "loved " this new man who is old enough to be her dad, is married and has grand kids. She also horribly mistreated me. like serious emotional abuse for the entire year last year and after BD. Putting me down, calling me names, throwing everything she could at me because OM and her had to justify them doing this.
She treated me so bad she lost me. I had already started recognizing my toxic behavior about two years before BD and was trying to be a much better husband. But she turned her back on me. I continued my growth and also got into really good shape.
I know I am a man only a fool would leave. I am way better looking than OM. Sure, hes almost retired so he makes more than I do, but a mans worth is not his paycheck. OM convinced my WW he was super rich. Funny because if I was super rich I would be retired at his age.
Now I strut around in very nice clothes looking and feeling amazing. I consider myself way out of my WWs league. I deserve so much better than her and I can easily find it now.
It hurts so unbelievably bad right now. But you will find yourself and love yourself and be happy with who you choose to be. You dont need your WW. You dont need her validation or love. You may want it now, but that will pass as long as you keep on DB.
Last edited by SoTorn; 05/06/1901:17 AM.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
GAL this morning. Nothing notable with feelings or anything. Giving her some affection still but at a light level for now while I think. For no reason other than to not abruptly react.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
GAL this morning. Nothing notable with feelings or anything. Giving her some affection still but at a light level for now while I think. For no reason other than to not abruptly react.
Might want to update your signature with PA confirmed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Curious is to why you are being affectionate to a woman who is sleeping with another man? You cannot reconnect with her when another man has her heart.
Are there any actual statistics here? I know people will talk around them, but given that my wife is cheating with a married coworker, what are the actual odds that we can make it? I want to look at this as rationally as possible when trying to compare it to "what I want". A lot of the statistics don't seem to take gender of the cheater into account, for example. 5% odds of us working this out is a lot different than a coin toss.
Also, she's invited me to come to one of her counseling sessions on Thursday. I told her I'd think about it. No idea what I want there.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
