You know, where-ever the responsibility lies for the breakdown of your marriage, and however hard you have worked on your own shortcomings - marriage is hard. Even the best marriages are difficult and take work and attention and bravery and vulnerability and a willingness to change and sacrifice and hold on to yourself while you have hard conversations. And he just isn't up to it. He doesn't have the capacity. That might change, but it isn't likely to happen soon. Perhaps he is afraid of losing you, but going dark is the best thing you can do - because he doesn't have you and that's because he isn't capable of being close to someone because of the choices he is making to blame, to evade, to drown out his feelings with booze and work.
I cannot believe you went and slept in a spare room in your own home - when you're not permitted to enter his flat - because you were worried about the effect of your normal sleeping noise might have on his mood and ability to think. There is such a fine line between care and enabling, and I think you stepped into enabling there.
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He did say at one stage that I'm the biggest part of his life in terms of friendship and he doesn't want to lose it but knows he can't keep it and get divorced.
That there is him telling you that he is cake eating. He doesn't want to be a husband because he isn't up to it. But he wants a wife, but only in tiny doses, and only if she's on best behaviour and not asking for anything. And he calls that friendship.
Thank you Alison, I really really needed to hear that. The sleeping on the sofa bed wasn't me being a doormat though, it was just wanting to get some sleep because he'd been waking me up all night turning over really aggressively in bed! He went and slept on the sofa bed last night. The bit about only wanting a wife on best behaviour is so true, but it's been like that for a long time really. I've had enough of being found wanting, I have my faults but I can't live up to perfectionism.
OK, he needs to feel the loss of me. This starts now. No initiating texts, no phone calls unless it's absolutely necessary. I will be busy GAL if he offers to meet up. I will be busy GAL if he comes to see the kids. We went for a nice walk this morning before he left. He was pleasant and we chatted easily. I'm pretty much the only person he can talk to about work, about anything really, his friends aren't people he really opens up to. He will miss me, but the dilly cafe is no longer serving cake.
I'm expecting temperature checks. The temperature will be tepid.
Honestly: I'm sick of him taking up space in my head. I'm evicting him from my thoughts. He is not worth it.
