Persistent Endurance (Part 3)

[curtis7]

Okay, let's talk about this. First of all, if you called yourself stating a boundary, then it shouldn't have been a "talk". Secondly, you went to her house, b/c the two of you are already physically separated, due to her affair. Therefore, the only consequences for dishonoring your boundary is a divorce. You see, if the couple physically separates due to an affair, then the betrayed spouse is not exactly living in an open M, except on paper. Thirdly, whenever stating a boundary, you just say what it is (no discussions, no negotiations, etc.) and then you turn and walk away. Fourthly, you don't bring up other issues when you state the boundary.

Yes, the "talk" lasted about 5 minutes, you're right that I lingered too long and brought up multiple issues rather than sticking with setting the primary boundary. I hadn't spoken with her about her actions and choices in a couple months and didn't know if I would have another opportunity, so I decided to get multiple issues out on the table.

Well, once your WW moves out, there is no point in chasing her down to give the "I will not live in an open M". If you had posted how you were planning to wait for a month or more for her to see you GAL, etc.,
you probably would have been advised that it was too late to state to her that boundary.....unless you are ready to D. I mean, you can have the boundary in your own mind, but you don't have to say it to her. You just do the actions if she dishonors your boundary. Do you see what I mean? Now, if you let her move out under the pretense that she just needed some space to figure herself out and nothing was ever said about her wayward behavior.......then what you said about the boundary might be okay. It lets her know that you are now aware of the deceit and betrayal. However, considering how you waited till the last minute, I don't think you should have any expectations in her changing her behavior.....or her mind. It will push you to act, should she not follow through with the D.

I see what you mean, but the latter is the case. She played this entire physical separation as needing emotional space and distance from the MR. She has been gaslighting and lying to me since the confrontation on OM1 in December. I did not set a boundary at that time and instead forgave her within days. She didn't know that I was aware of the PA that she has moved onto with OM2. She has been cake eating for months and I needed to stand up for myself for me. I didn't want to sit back and leave this MR without her knowing that I know the truth of her escapades and chose not to call her out on them. I went in with almost zero expectations that she would change her mind, especially not on the spot. I wanted her to know that her fantasy is not a secret and that her betrayal will have long lasting consequences on her and our family if she chooses to follow through with the D.

Your timing was way off. You went after the separation. You went to her house, and you went late in the evening. Frankly, I would have probably thrown my H out, too, if he came to my house telling me he wasn't going to tolerate something I had done.......or laying out some kind of boundary for the M.

I did wait too long, I see that now. Had I set a firm boundary earlier in my sitch, things may be different today. Others here told me I would regret it and they were right. The LBS is so blinded by the W they used to be married to that we hold out hope for so long that they will come around and see the light. I'm afraid, this is almost never the case from the sitches and books that I've read, especially with PAs and WWs.

I've tolerated this intolerable behavior for 6 months and I will not tolerate it any longer when you lie to our children.

Well, what are you going to do about it? Did you have a plan of action when you said this?

I plan to contact L tomorrow to find out what options I have to protect my kids and act in their best interest.

Let's be clear about one thing, this separation was not about you having space, it was about having affairs. You made the choice to have affairs over marriage and family and will have to live with the consequences.

I have to admit, I like most of that one. It helps support you stating your boundary, if she left on the pretense of something other than OM. However, I don't think you should have added about her living with consequences. Are those consequences coming from you? If so, what do you plan?

Credit AllenA for that one. He took it a step further and recommended exposure to family and friends so all knew the WW was choosing an A over MR. The cake eating is now over, she has fired me as her H. I will be civil and co-parent with her, but nothing else. If she ever chooses to end the A, then I might consider R. Although, right now, I am going to distance myself from her as far as possible.

W: You don't know what you're talking about, there is nothing going on.
H: Please stop, we both know you're lying right now, please let me finish. I know you're having an affair with OM2, it's disrespectful to me, our marriage, and our family.
W: You don't know anything, there's nothing going on with OM2.
H: Stop, we both know your lying (holding my hand up while looking her dead in the eyes).
H: I will NOT live in an open marriage. Looks like we both have some big decisions to make.
W: We can get a divorce, I was ready to send you an email today to start dividing everything.

I think you were busting to use these statements you've read in DB threads. If you had said it earlier, it would have been more effective than coming in at the 11th hour to tell her. For her, there are no big decisions to make, b/c she was going to email you that night about divisions of assets. Do you see how your timing was way off? Timing is everything.

Yes, you're probably right, unless she thinks this A can stay underground for a long time without others finding out. She may think twice about what she stands to lose in life if it becomes known to others. I have not decided to expose the A further and doubt it would help right now anyways.

Your choice to continue cheating and make things worse and destroy our family or end the cheating and make things better and help our family.
W: You can't come to my house unannounced. Now, get out!
H: You need to think long and hard about the impact of your choices on our children. Do you think children are resilient?

Man, she told you to get out of her house, and you are still talking? This boundary has turned into you pressing her emotionally. The more you use the kids to make her feel guilty, the more contempt she'll have for you.

I missed the mark on that one. I thought at some point a mother's guilt would factor into shedding light on their choices and possibly exiting the fog.

That's good that you remained calm and confident. Have no expectations! You've said it, now be ready to follow through. I don't think any of it will stop her affairs. If it made you feel strong by saying it, okay. If you expect it to change her behavior at this point, I think you'll be disappointed. Let me ask a question. What will you do if she doesn't push the D? What if she just continues having affairs and doesn't pursue with a D?

I will file for D. I am AMOAFWL and had a timeline in dealing with her and hoping she would wake up. I deserve better and to be loved. My kids deserve to see what it's like to be in a loving relationship. I will not let my kids see that it is acceptable to be repeatedly disrespected by a S that has been given so many opportunities to end her A's and work on the MR. It is up to her to do the right thing.