Persistent Endurance (Part 3)

[sandi2]

So, I had the "I will NOT live in an open marriage" talk with WW tonight.

Okay, let's talk about this. First of all, if you called yourself stating a boundary, then it shouldn't have been a "talk". Secondly, you went to her house, b/c the two of you are already physically separated, due to her affair. Therefore, the only consequences for dishonoring your boundary is a divorce. You see, if the couple physically separates due to an affair, then the betrayed spouse is not exactly living in an open M, except on paper. Thirdly, whenever stating a boundary, you just say what it is (no discussions, no negotiations, etc.) and then you turn and walk away. Fourthly, you don't bring up other issues when you state the boundary.

So, you were mad when S8 told you that mom had spent the time texting OM. That is understandable, and it's difficult to hear these things. However, I'm not sure if this situation fueled your action to go to her house to state your boundary, or if you saw it as an opportunity to state your boundary. Either way, I wished you had posted before you went to her house, and waited to see responses by the board.

LBS's should not approach the WS about more than one subject at a time. So, make it your rule of thumb to stick to only one subject whenever you need to address or confront her about it. You told her you would not tolerate her texting OM in front of S8. She knows there is nothing you can do about it.

I spent the rest of the night contemplating what action to take. I knew this talk was coming, but I was planning on waiting until either the end of this month or the end of next month so she could see more of my 180s and GAL. However, it was time for me to take back my respect.

Well, once your WW moves out, there is no point in chasing her down to give the "I will not live in an open M". If you had posted how you were planning to wait for a month or more for her to see you GAL, etc.,
you probably would have been advised that it was too late to state to her that boundary.....unless you are ready to D. I mean, you can have the boundary in your own mind, but you don't have to say it to her. You just do the actions if she dishonors your boundary. Do you see what I mean? Now, if you let her move out under the pretense that she just needed some space to figure herself out and nothing was ever said about her wayward behavior.......then what you said about the boundary might be okay. It lets her know that you are now aware of the deceit and betrayal. However, considering how you waited till the last minute, I don't think you should have any expectations in her changing her behavior.....or her mind. It will push you to act, should she not follow through with the D.

I'll have to admit, I didn't have long to rehearse the script, but it was imperative that I take action as she was about to send me an email on taking the next steps to divide assets before seeing an attorney.

So you were trying to state a boundary of not living in an open M, before she could send the email. It's a little too late to state it when you are dividing up assets. Now if she were to change her mind and start hinting that she might return to the M, then you could say it. But not when she's ready to split assets.

I went to her house and knocked on the door late in the evening after the kids went to sleep. Here is the exchange:

Your timing was way off. You went after the separation. You went to her house, and you went late in the evening. Frankly, I would have probably thrown my H out, too, if he came to my house telling me he wasn't going to tolerate something I had done.......or laying out some kind of boundary for the M.

H: Maybe you should sit down, we need to talk about something S8 told me today. S8 said you were texting all afternoon with some guy named OM2.

She is going to tell him to never discuss what he hears or sees in that house. S8 will feel he can't trust you with what he says. This a mistake I've seen many newcomers make.

I've tolerated this intolerable behavior for 6 months and I will not tolerate it any longer when you lie to our children.

Well, what are you going to do about it? Did you have a plan of action when you said this?

The first 4 months were pure hell for me, but over the past 2 months I've recovered and I'm in a much better place and I like the direction I'm headed and our kids like it too. I still love you and want to work on this marriage, but I will not be a part of it when you are engaged in affairs with OM.

You are not a part of it, b/c you are physically separated. You should not have said the kids liked it, too, nor told her you still love her and want to work on the M.

Let's be clear about one thing, this separation was not about you having space, it was about having affairs. You made the choice to have affairs over marriage and family and will have to live with the consequences.

I have to admit, I like most of that one. It helps support you stating your boundary, if she left on the pretense of something other than OM. However, I don't think you should have added about her living with consequences. Are those consequences coming from you? If so, what do you plan?

W: You don't know what you're talking about, there is nothing going on.
H: Please stop, we both know you're lying right now, please let me finish. I know you're having an affair with OM2, it's disrespectful to me, our marriage, and our family.
W: You don't know anything, there's nothing going on with OM2.
H: Stop, we both know your lying (holding my hand up while looking her dead in the eyes).
H: I will NOT live in an open marriage. Looks like we both have some big decisions to make.
W: We can get a divorce, I was ready to send you an email today to start dividing everything.

I think you were busting to use these statements you've read in DB threads. If you had said it earlier, it would have been more effective than coming in at the 11th hour to tell her. For her, there are no big decisions to make, b/c she was going to email you that night about divisions of assets. Do you see how your timing was way off? Timing is everything.

Your choice to continue cheating and make things worse and destroy our family or end the cheating and make things better and help our family.
W: You can't come to my house unannounced. Now, get out!
H: You need to think long and hard about the impact of your choices on our children. Do you think children are resilient?

Man, she told you to get out of her house, and you are still talking? This boundary has turned into you pressing her emotionally. The more you use the kids to make her feel guilty, the more contempt she'll have for you.

Some may feel I acted in haste, but with one OM after another with no end in sight, I felt compelled to take a stand.

Your place and time was bad. You chose a place where she could kick you out. You used S8's information as your excuse to open the "discussion" with her, and you knew you only had minutes to do it before getting her email. You wanted to use these "statements" you've read on the board. There is nothing wrong with those statements from the board, but if not said in the right place in the right time frame.......they are not very effective, IMHO. I think the one where you pointed out that this S was never about her having space, was the best opener you could have used, and left out all that stuff about S8, your feelings, etc. You could have made that statement and immediately gave your boundary and then left (which I'm pretty sure is included in with this advice about the statement examples). Let me explain something about those statements on the board. For the most part, they are examples you can use when confronting the WW, or when telling her your boundary, or when she is telling you lies. However, you can't use them with the expectation it will change anything in the sitch. They are examples how to respond to a wayward or to confront........but they are not solutions. If you saw them as some way of making her come to her senses, then I'm afraid you will be disappointed. Yes, they sound strong and maybe have a punch to them, but they were not meant to use to pull the WW out of her fog.

I was extremely calm and confident throughout, while she was increasingly angered and filled with rage. I did not let it rattle me or affect my emotions. I am ready to accept and do not fear what follows. Now we'll see what develops over the coming days and weeks.

That's good that you remained calm and confident. Have no expectations! You've said it, now be ready to follow through. I don't think any of it will stop her affairs. If it made you feel strong by saying it, okay. If you expect it to change her behavior at this point, I think you'll be disappointed. Let me ask a question. What will you do if she doesn't push the D? What if she just continues having affairs and doesn't pursue with a D?

So now, you start from the line you've drawn in the sand. I don't think it hurt the sitch, but I don't expect it to change her mind.

((hugs))