I think you're right Alison. And also right that he is no prize. Last night he had 3 glasses of wine and a pint of beer and was very grumpy indeed on the way back from the restaurant. This morning he complained about me 'banging around' (I was tidying up). His major complaint about our marriage apparently is that our house was messy (well we have 2 kids and we have NEVER had a particularly tidy house even before then). I am so tired of being blamed for random stuff which seems meaningless to me. By the way, my house has been immaculate since BD so hey, let's stick firmly in the past shall we? It's like he can't even be bothered to look for the positives in me or in our very long marriage. And newsflash, there was PLENTY of good stuff in there.
We actually had a lovely walk today despite the hideous R talk. Interestingly, the R talk was initiated by him shortly after I told him he should see a doctor about his numb feet following me mentioning it to my nurse friend. It might be alcohol related, it might not be. But I'm willing to bet he won't see a doctor about it, despite it being potentially very serious. Like amputation serious according to my friend. I should have kept my mouth shut on that one, I know he has huge health anxieties. And also huge denial.
Gah, he's a grownup. Apparently. Not that he acts like one. I have to let him go and make his own mistakes. Maybe I won't even want him back if I'm able to drop the rope eventually. But dropping the rope is soooo hard.
Part of me wonders whether he isn't having an affair after all and all this behaviour is an elaborate front and he's the world's best liar and the world's best hider of it. Or whether he wants to have an affair but first he needs to get rid of me by treating me so badly I couldn't possibly stick around. Though if that was the case why would he even bother seeing me?
I do know that he is broken, psychologically broken. Whether it's a MLC, burnout from his enormously stressful job, alcoholism symptoms, a combination of the above, it's possibly irrelevant. I can't help him and I can only make things worse. He did say at one stage that I'm the biggest part of his life in terms of friendship and he doesn't want to lose it but knows he can't keep it and get divorced. Well, friends are much easier to get than spouses, I can tell him that for nothing.
