He doesn't sound in his right mind - he is suggesting the time together, seems unable, much of the time, to muster civility, is hung-over most of the time, working when he isn't, and isn't engaging in any of the self reflection that would make an R possible or even desirable. I think it's a cheek for him to say he wants a divorce but doesn't want to hurt you - as if what he's putting on offer right now is worth putting yourself through this for.
Can you go dark? Just accept what he says at face value, stop all the admin and wife work and dates and pleasant availability and let him know what it really feels like to manage his own paperwork, relationships with the kids and his mother, and spent the rest of the time drunk or hung over in his flat?
I feel really quite angry for you, Dilly. Maybe you'll take my suggestions with a pinch of salt - I don't think any of us here are able to be truly objective. But you've put your heart and soul into being as gentle and kind to him as you can, and it hasn't got you anywhere at all. I think it might be time for a drastic change in your approach to this.
