I'm having a tough morning. H brought up moving out again. I tried not to get sucked into the R talk, mostly I validated, but of course I got sucked in..... Just as I was feeling good about myself..... Get me off of this roller coaster!
This week we found out we need a fairly major repair done to our home and the cost is around $8k. This will impact H's ability to move out at this time. H brought up the fact that we talked about how to pay this, but not how it will impact what we have going on right now. At first I did not respond, but as he pushed for a response I simply said, "I can see why that would be frustrating for you." As he continued to talk, I validated. I agreed with him that the way we are currently living in no way to live. Blah Blah Blah.... validate, validate. As he spoke of the fact that 2 weeks ago we spoke of him finding his own place and how that may be best, I told him that "I see many solutions to our problems. If that is how you feel I will not stand in your way." Of course I couldn't just stop there and added that I did not want him to leave, but I cannot go on like this. He said he did not want to leave.
He told me that he loved me, that he will always love me, until the day he dies. BUT when he thinks about our relationship, he feels numb inside. That he always felt like he was doing something wrong, that I was always angry. I validated. He is worried that if we reconcile, everything will get brushed under the rug and we will just move on, that I will never trust him again. That now, I have even more reason to be angry. That we will be miserable, and maybe it will be better to be miserable for a while (if we D), but then be happy one day (on our own). I simply told him that sweeping things under the rug, just moving on, was not an option for me, that is not what I want in a relationship. He stated that we are in different places right now. I told him that I don't know where I am right now, that I am trying to figure things out for myself.
He says he must be crazy. Anyone wise enough would be begging for my forgiveness, jumping at the chance to repair things with me. But, for the first time he is not going with what is "right", but how he feels. I did not respond. At one point OW came up. Of course he was adamant that it was not a "relationship", he was not seeing anyone, it was just talking. I do not believe a word of it. He tries to state that one thing has nothing to do with the other, rewriting history to justify his actions.
I think fear is keeping him here. He is overwhelmed by what is involved in leaving, he doesn't even know how to take the first step- what is involved. All of the "nice" things H has been doing is because he wants to keep things pleasant while he is still here. He thinks maybe he was sending me the wrong message.
So, I am ready for some tough love! I think I know what I need to do- just truly let him go. Obviously, I was not doing as well at DB as I thought.... H is away on business for the night. His clothes and things are still in our bedroom even though he's been on the couch for over a month. While he is gone I think I will move his clothes and things into the guest BR. I can't look at in anymore. If we need to live under the same roof for the time being I need to separate more. I think I will tell him I cannot be his friend, that if we are separated, we need to live that way. No more dinners, morning coffee, etc. I can't. It hurts too much. My question is, do I tell him? Or just do it?
