Keep doing what you are doing. Although some might advise you differently on here, it's ultimately up to you. As far as still doing things as a family "seperated" still on IHS. I've attempted to try the "lets do things together as a family still" on W's birthday previously. It was met with great receptivity and she did enjoy the thoughtfulness I put into it. But there's something that I noticed from the pictures. I was so in my head, and not present. Even after doing a few family dinners, and activities out here and there, I am still "friend zoned" (Not a place a man should ever be with his W out of self respect IMO.) This is an area I've really been struggling with internally, not because of her, (well actually yeah because of her.) But because of S1. I have no problem hanging around with my in-laws and her family individually, and I've made myself clear on that to them, but I choose not to get involved with family functions that I am still invited to by W. I choose that for several reasons. I know this sounds punitive of me and I'm the one that's losing out on spending time with my son, and it breaks my heart.
I have decided that I'm not ready to "play family" just because they are at that point ahead of us, and they are past the point of not loving you anymore, but want to keep up the social appearances, still having you as plan b, and for the sake of the children. What she is trying to say is, ( I like you as a friend, I would think you would make a good co-parent, a good father, everyone misses you, and other people can make it work so I can make it work, so why can't we?) So again this all comes down to a matter of personal preference, what you can handle emotionally and what your principles are. For now, where I am at, I say let them feel the loss of you before the S becomes real, even if it is at the expense of spending time with your children. Be there for your children on your own time and in your own capacity 100% though.
Perhaps in time as I detach a little further, I will pick and choose which special occasions to attend, and put differences aside. I'm still debating what to do about Mother's Day coming up.
My W is out for the weekend this weekend at BIL and her nieces Bday party. I miss my S1 terribly and again its breaking my heart.
Even though things have deteriorated to the point where we're both at 95%.where we want the D. W is forcing me to sell the house to move on with her life, and IMO, things have gotten so petty with the division of things, that I actually want to keep things seperate now. I can't nice her back, mean her back, etc. Other than a hug or two here and there, I haven't touched my w in 5 months. I really don't know if by doing this it is helping me or hurting me, but I need to stand on that principle that, if she's going to take things that far, then im going to act as if separated, and not give her the best of both worlds.
I want you to keep in mind that as they go down the process of moving away from you, even though they say they don't, they will be influenced by outside influences on what post S or D looks like, or what they want it to look like. ( friends, family, articles on internet, etc.) She went cold because she doesn't see a future with you, for whatever reason weather it be emotional, physical, behavioral, habitual, etc. So they are gauging things based on their current feelings, and can't make up their minds, but have acted enough to move things forward and BD us. Hence limbo land.
You seem like you have a pretty good handle on things. If she's going to have that attitude towards sex though, and flirting, to me it seems nothing more than an ego validation, that she still "has it" and is manipulating to gauge if you are plan b. Don't give into her BS temp checks or manipulation. But if you do decide to escalate, make sure you make it clear that it didn't mean anything. Hold your position until full R is on the table. When women are emotionally and physically attracted to you, sex is on the table. If they are not fully, they will use it to get what they want or manipulate you, to soften you up for another occasion for something they want, or just for their own validation.
