Had an unusual conversation with H yesterday at drop off for Youngest. Enlightening.
He was taking the dog out with Youngest for a couple of hours while I did some errands. When I got back I asked where they went and if they'd had a good time. He said he didn't want to walk close to home as he felt ashamed about being here, being seen by the neighbours. He'd had a conversation while I was out with our next door neighbour, who'd commented on him not being around much. He'd told the neighbour he'd moved out at the start of the year, and apparently they'd had a bit of a conversation about that - he didn't go into detail. I think he felt a bit embarrassed at the thought of neighbours knowing our business. He was telling me about that - communicating, I think, his feelings. It wasn't done in a blaming or critical way. I didn't respond well at all. He said something about moving house, or us thinking about moving house, and I said 'is that a condition you're making of us sorting this out' and he was immediately exasperated with me and started saying things like 'I'm not standing here for the next half hour while you have a go at me,' (I was doing nothing of the sort) and he went on in this vein for a while until I said 'shall we just leave it? Give me a hug before you go,' and he did and it was okay.
I've been reflecting on that a lot. One of the things that he says is that in the future he wants us to be better at supporting each other. I know that one of the things I want to be different for our future - if there is one - is that I want us both to be more honest. And I can see from this interaction my part in the lack of honesty in our interactions. He was being honest with me about his feelings, and because I didn't like it and it made me feel a bit insecure, I asked a question which was pretty much designed to extract some reassurance from him. I wasn't offering him any kind of support and instead his expression of something hard triggered a need for support in me - not only a need, a demand, even. And he reacted angrily - assuming that he'd be put through the wringer for half an hour and forced into an interaction he didn't want.
I think for honesty to take place - real honesty, which I want in our future and will be essential to repair - then I have to be able to validate his feelings even when I don't like them and I have to take care of myself when he's sharing something difficult and not expect him to put his feelings to one side to take care of me. And there's work for him to do too - in actually disclosing himself to me (which he was doing - I can see that now) in ways that are non blaming, not critical, and don't involve verbal and emotional abuse. I can see that he's been working on that recently even though it isn't perfect. Obviously I'm far from perfect too.
I don't think the issue is moving house or the problem with the neighbours knowing or not. Or at least, that isn't anything I can do anything about. I think the problem is me not being able to stand steady on my own feet when he's wobbling, him not trusting me to do that (not trusting it is safe to wobble, or be honest about his fears) and how I can get myself to that place.
Lots of food for thought. We left it on good terms. He called in the evening and I told him a little bit of this - just my understanding of what was needed (from me - I didn't comment on his side of things). I'd had some trouble with Eldest and updated him on that, and he made some suggestions for changes in a really positive and uncritical and non blaming way - it was night and day from the way he usually communicates, and I thanked him for it. He sent affectionate goodnight text message and I replied saying that I was glad that he'd remembered - that being able to count on that small thing went a way to healing what was hurt.
I am not sure if we've made a leap forwards or I have made a leap backwards. I feel okay. I have GAL plans for today. I sent encouraging text this morning but kept it light. I want to focus more on getting myself steady and being able to hold onto myself and not descend into pity parties and panic and demands for reassurance that overwhelm him when he's struggling. I want to learn how to do that. Of course in part for the relationship - but if this doesn't work out I will need to learn to do it anyway. I think it's called growing up. I want to focus on that.
