How very true FS. I think one of my problems is the feeling of 'missed opportunity.' I will always believe that we had a fair chance of sorting this out but he had options - the downgrade who was telling him everything he wanted to hear - or his marriage which had gone a bit stale.
If I'd realised how he was feeling a couple of years ago then I'm convinced she wouldn't have got a look in. Other women haven't for 25 years and I don't think it's because she's particularly special. Missed opportunity.
I know what I should do in terms of D and house sale. I also know deep down that I am not ready, or that I don't want to do both at once. The vital thing is financial protection and maybe I take a risk and just do that rather than doing it via divorce.
If I'm only doing it for protection reasons and not because I want to be divorced, then that doesn't feel right. And I think it should feel absolutely right.
I think I'm probably acknowledging that to issue a Divorce petition within 9 months of separation does not feel respectful to a marriage of 27 years. Sod him, I'm talking about the respect that I had for my marriage.
Whereas the house has to be sold and i have to separate my finances or I fear I may end up bankrupt.
I cannot and have not said any of this to anyone IRL. Who would possibly understand? I also believe that I can continue my growth and independence whether or not I get divorced.
So, what a strange place to be. I do not want to be in a marriage with this man, but I also don't want to divorce him at the moment.
(((Yorkie))). Fourteen years together was hard enough... I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been with 13 more years together. Of course this is hard... of course you have cried a lot of tears and are still crying. You are grieving...properly...for a life that was worth grieving. That life isn’t over though. You will get through this and find your way. H may be in your future, he may not. No one can really say for sure. But the H he is now is not the person that you fell in love with. That guy is gone unfortunately. I felt the same way... that some minor adjustments on both sides could have made a big difference if only I had known. But I didn’t know and he didn’t tell me. He chose to disrespect you and your marriage and cheat on you instead. Big time character flaw that it appears many people have. Yes...he has downgraded. My H did too. Your H’s life is not easy Yorkie and it will only get harder once the novelty wears off and he has no choice but to take stock and recognize what he gave up and walked away from. Ultimately, you cannot divorce yourself. Do what you feel is right but DO NOT sacrifice your financial stability. Time and space will take care of your feelings. Focus on yourself and what you need and please, please, please do not beat yourself up. You truly are AWOAFWL. Believe it!!! Sending you lots of long distance (((HUGS))). xo
Hi Yorkie. I just finished reading your story. I'm so sorry for the mess you are going through, but I had to comment on how your strength just poured through.
I was having a bit of a pity party for myself, and reading your story gave me hope. No matter what, I will cope. I loved your list.
Thank you for sharing. I have been married 23 years. Was told Thursday that H is filing "soon". I didn't want any of this, still trying to find out what I like to do by myself and realizing that I have bent my life around his. It's not great there we are "meeting" like this, but it's encouraging how well you are doing, and I like how you have a bad day but then get after it the next.
All my best to you.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'll catch up on your posts later on.
I've never had to be an introspective person (probably to my detriment) and lived my life very instinctively. I am very well known for being to the point and saying it as it is. Little do people know that I do have a filter and only 10% of what is in my head actually comes out of my mouth!
I feel like 2 people. The Yorkie who is no nonsense, deals with reality, says f*** it let's crack on, and the Yorkie who's heart isn't quite up to speed with her head. The 2 Yorkies talk to one another all the time. Is this normal? I don't know but it's a revelation to me.
I get the 'bent my life around his' That is so what I did; willingly at the time. Even my kids say 'Mum you dedicated your life to Dad and us' it's your time now.
I guess that's a scary prospect and I'm not sure what that means for me.
I thought about what I would write about myself and decided I didn't actually have anything interesting to put forward.
Thank you. You tell me what my rational self already knows but I can't feel it deep down. Yet. At least I hope it's a yet because I really don't want to be one of those bitter and twisted spouses that we all know, who can't seem to get over it.
If I'd realised how he was feeling a couple of years ago then I'm convinced she wouldn't have got a look in. Other women haven't for 25 years and I don't think it's because she's particularly special. Missed opportunity.
I understand what you're feeling, I feel that too. But I'm currently fighting this thought process because you know what? I think this is too much of us blaming ourselves. We only had 50% of the blame in our marriage deterioration. Our spouses hold the other 50% of the disconnect. Don't take more than your fair share.
I don't think us simply "working harder" would have prevented this. So while we each have regrets, don't let them take up too much space.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
So, what a strange place to be. I do not want to be in a marriage with this man, but I also don't want to divorce him at the moment.
Absolutely agree. When we think these thoughts I think it is largely a fear of the future. Are we going to be hurt further than we are right now? Are we going to feel hurt in the future if we divorce? Are we going to feel hurt if we have the chance to reconcile?
When I have these thoughts I pause and tell myself, "Well then, good thing I don't have to decide today!" and go about my day. For me it helps to not dwell on the unknown future. Who knows what our feelings will be as each step progresses. We can assess our feelings when we get there.
Well, perhaps predictably, he hasn't reached the agreed deadline for submission of financial information.
I've had a stream of nicey nicey texts just lately about the house and offering to help. So I put my stubbornness and pride to one side and asked him to be here whilst the energy performance survey was one. He agreed and sent me a text letting me know it had all gone well etc etc etc and offering to assist with the viewings.
When I arrived home I found a large envelope with handwritten message on it. Couple of things he has said wound me up / made me see the light.
He redirected his post and the post office has also redirected a fair amount of mine. He opened it and it has then taken 3 weeks to let me know. No apology.
He commented that he hasn't heard from my solicitor. I think this is a reference to the divorce petition which he has asked to pre approve before submission (regular practice apparently!!!!) Well he will know if he engages his brain that I can't do the petition because he has the original marriage certificate and the 1 that I ordered was sitting in the redirected post.
Then went onto say that he has been thinking about the land assets and it is only fair that I have a share as "our finances were predicated on it paying off the mortgage" No s**t Sherlock. It's called the LAW and it's called 50%. He also said he would be working on his management accounts this weekend. That is approx 10% of the information that he should have submitted.
Sent a text asking for some clarity: are you wanting to settle without the full disclosure / court intervention or are you saying that you will not have done the disclosure form by the deadline agreed by you? Well surprise surprise, no response.
So, the nicey nicey was to try to ensure that I don't submit a court application this week. He knows the drill. I have a solicitor - all such communication should be with her.
I will openly admit that the smiling assassin tactic nearly worked. Have learned again to drop all expectation. The letter and divorce petition has now been scanned and emailed to Lawyer to deal with.
Obligatory smack round the head has been delivered in a kind way by eldest son and his wife and my sister.
Breaks my heart when eldest says that he and his wife have some savings and will happily pay my legal fees and when middle son rang to say he will happily buy half a future house with me so that I can get something decent. Breaks my heart but also makes me proud and glad that there are decent people in my life.
None of that is necessary because I will cut my cloth accordingly and sort it.
Have received a letter from solicitor. H has stated his intention to defend the Divorce petition. Doesn't like the grounds of unacceptable behaviour that have been cited. He would prefer to wait 2 years and agree to D on the grounds of 2 years separation or if Yorkie is insistent on D then he will not defend D on the grounds of adultery (but I must not name the downgrade) In essence he would rather be seen as a cheat rather than someone who hasn't supported his wife's career or has pursued his own interests above those of the family. Narcissistic image management!
Thankfully a public holiday so have had a couple of days to calm down. Sister hit me over the head and reminded me that it is just a means to an end. She knows that I hate the fact that he is exercising control still and that all my allegations could be justified in court. But it's not worth the aggravation and extra cost to stick to my guns.
So i will instruct the lawyer to respond in such a way that he knows that the allegations still stand but that for the sake of forward progression we will alter the petition and get it filed this week.
Still no production of financial information which is now over a month late. Once D is filed then we can push for a court date and the judge will set a deadline. I suppose the good thing is that we have found his Achilles heel. He doesn't want his professional image damaging so should respond if he thinks that he will have to answer to a judge.
I'm sitting here absolutely open mouthed, Yorkie. It was my understanding that in the UK divorces were never, ever defended. He's a divorce lawyer, right? Has he gone mad?
You're right Alison. Very rarely defended and it is all a bit of a 'game' as you have to get over the threshold but judges take the view that if one party has gone to the trouble to file then the marriage has indeed broken down. In fact the L drafted all the allegations beginning 'the applicant feels...etc ' He'll struggle to say that I don't own my own feelings.
He's not a specialist divorce lawyer, more an old fashioned general practitioner, but has done plenty for clients in his time.
Of course, it's all bluff and bluster as at the moment it is confidential. Once he defends then he has to stand up in court and refute the allegations. That's more damaging.
I recognise the attempt to control and I can't tell you how hard I've had to fight my natural instinct. He will take 'victory' from us changing the petition but I have to keep my eye on the prize.
He's angling for more time. He can whistle.
Just keep your fingers crossed that the house sells soon. Darn brexit is causing some nervousness I suspect.
