OM Backed Out

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

I went to the party, but I'm really p!ssed at myself. She still has a hold on me and probably always will. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself and am not as "done" as I had thought. I may never be "done" at this rate.

This sux.

I pulled up at the party and S28 was arriving just as I was. This was nice, because we were able to walk in together. XMIL saw me right away, but didn't say anything. I didn't either. After about 30 minutes or so XSIL found me and said hello and asked how I was doing. I actually ended up talking to her more than anyone. It was almost like old times....times that if I'm honest, I miss. She was always like the little sister that I never had. I miss her. She was about 12 the first time I met her. We've always kind of had a neat relationship. I never had a sister and she never had a brother. (She did have a half brother that she didn't get to know until they were both adults.) So, we've always had a brother/sister thing going.

I finally asked XMIL how she was doing, but that was it. Very cold. Wasn't surprised.

Most of the night, I was across the room from XW. I'd glance her direction every once in a while and she would glance my way too. But....at one point, there was a moment. Yeah, A MOMENT. Our eyes locked and I swear...there is/was something there. It was so strong and she raised her hand and waved to me. I waved back and finally had to turn away. I got emotional and looked away and started talking to my son. I couldn't look directly at her, but I'm sure she noticed that it bothered me. Not sure if it bothered her. I didn't keep looking. I couldn't.

Later while gifts were being opened, the year 1985 was mentioned in conversation. I blurted out that '85 was a great year. (That was the year we were married.) She giggled. A few minutes later, she told S26 about the night we decided on his name. (I was surprised that she actually acknowledged something that happened in the 1990's where we were concerned.)

The funny thing is, we didn't talk directly to each other at all. (The boys have told her that I want nothing to do with her.) But there was that moment. We connected. It just really bugs me though that we can have a "moment" but she can be so cold and indifferent towards me too.

There is an old George Jones song called "He Stopped Loving Her Today" about a guy that loved a woman until the day he died. I wonder if that will be me.

My grandmother used to tell me that I was too sentimental...that I was a sentimental fool. Maybe it is because she was my very first "true love" or maybe I just have a really bad personality flaw. Maybe I'll never completely be "done." After all my tough talk of not wanting to be friends and wanting nothing to do with her, and after all of the lies and everything that she has done....she still has a hold on me.

I hate it and hate the fact that (even though I no longer know her) she still gets to me.

Tad