It's a weird place I'm in. Somewhere on the road to acceptance.
I worked hard today. Had a client that I was with me all day, and I busted my butt moving heavy furniture and running around for the client. One of those days that's very similar to when I worked in food service and catering: you're on your feet, you're sweaty, and it's non-stop until the day is done. Very physical. Had a great day working with my team.
I smell terrible. But I suppose that's a mark of a good, hard-working day. It's also the result of a polyester shirt I was wearing. Yucky.
The hard work makes me not mind working a Saturday. Working has been my refuge, allowing me the time I need to process my sitch, but keeping me also distracted. Coming home after work today was tough. I am physically exhausted, but mentally still wanting to have a fun Saturday. I don't have any plans with friends today, so I'm feeling a bit melancholy about my life. My legs are jelly making me want to curl up and stay home, but I think I might walk into town to check-out a music festival happening. I'll likely peak in the windows and keep going - I doubt I'll know anyone to join, and I don't want to sit by myself in some random concert/bar. But I don't want to sit in this empty house either.
I still sometimes wonder if W will have a turn-around in a couple years. I wonder what her heart is like these days. I still miss her.
But I have my moments of remembering when she was still here and how I was treated. Some of the bad memories are starting to resurface, and I think I'm processing them. I take a deep breath and sigh. No. My heart says "No". That was not okay. I can't pine for her now, because those actions hurt me so badly. I haven't told anyone except my therapist some of the issues, because they were private. And I wish I could talk about them more. I see just how crazy I must have been feeling to look the other way. I'm not the kind of person to accept that behavior (but I did).
I've been daydreaming about dating, and what that might be like. I don't want to. But I want to. Mostly it's in my head - the thought of what would it be like to get to know someone again? What would it be like to not fear for my heart?
Still no movement on a D from W. I almost hate to write that, because it's probably around the corner. That will still hurt tremendously. I know that I'm still hopeful it won't happen. I'm trying to have my logic override my heart. We have talked about it and I have no reason to believe she won't follow-through. I still don't want this. I want my W back. I really do. But I want a version of her that talks to me and doesn't bottle her pain. And I want a version of me that doesn't censor my thoughts and feelings. THAT I know I am getting. Every day I feel better at that part of myself.
