I try not to think about it - about what my red lines would be, and what I need, and how I'd want it to go - because it feels like counting eggs and perhaps trying to control an outcome I am not in control of.
Having said that, I don't want to be entirely passive either. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I do want to clearly understand what he is and isn't offering so I can decide whether I want it or not.
Perhaps when I am away at the end of this month that is one of the things I can reflect on. I need to balance accepting who he is - an imperfect person as I am - and working on my own shortcomings and processing the blame and resentment and lack of forgiveness I feel - all that is my job - with having some basic standards and boundaries for ways I will and won't be treated. He has said he wants to go to MC and when he does talk about our situation or the future, the sense of blame he had - the resentment about being asked to leave, the blaming Eldest for all our problems - seems to have in the main, faded away a bit.
I had a rough day yesterday. Couldn't really get my head in the game and spent a lot of time moping and weeping. I was spinning, I suppose, and convinced myself that the EA woman was still on the scene and that he'd BD me he was with her once he'd done his work and didn't need me to be so co-operative when it came to doing all the childcare. There's no actual evidence for that at all - he works and sleeps and that's it - but it was a horrible place for my head to be in. Still, I didn't contact H or let the kids see I was upset and a sad day now and again is okay.
We had a cordial chat at drop off. He's lost weight since I last saw him (which was only five or six days, I think, and I remember thinking that he'd lost weight when I saw him then) and he really did look awful. He talked to me a bit about how stressed and anxious he was. I validated. He was a bit snappy and impatient with Youngest, who was a bit annoyed at not seeing him for longer and I tried to strike the balance between staying out of it, not criticising him and supporting him as a co-parent. It's all attached to this one big work task and I said I knew he could do it - that's true - he is more able to compartmentalise and work hard than anyone else I know, and his perfectionism is bad for him but really good for his work. I am worried about him, but other than do most of the childcare and not gripe about it - which I am, and we will have to come up with a more equitable arrangement once this work is over, next month - there's not much else I can do for him.
