Looking for some advice here while I wait for my copy of DR to arrive...
W and I have 3 small kids (youngest 3) and moved about 2 years ago away from our support network. The combination of kids and the disruption of the move has been hard for us to overcome. W was building up a career, and the move halted that (although plans are she will ramp up again soon). My method of handling this was to draw closer, want to spend more time together and have more affection. I felt W draw away sometimes and I reacted by becoming emotional, which reinforced the distance. I was frustrated and sometimes said hurtful things (never name calling, never yelling, never shaming... just things like "we never spend time together" or "I don't know what you want" which was shaming and blaming). We ended up in MC last fall, where we mostly worked on me stopping pressing for affection, and me helping more with the house and the kids (as we never wanted this long term situation where I am the sole breadwinner and she is SAHM). Therapist pointed out that she needed to be more vocal about what she wants rather than holding in resentment. There was one night last fall where W broke down in tears because I kept pressing her for what she wanted, that I didn't understand and she wasn't communicated. I also started going to IC in the fall to work on my anxiety (which is my diagnosis) about my M and my estrangement from FOO. Periodically she accused me of withholding affection, which was tough because I felt like I couldn't initiate any affection without it being super awkward and weird.
Since January we barely talk about our relationship. A couple big fights she initiated, with sometimes strange accusations (like I am having an affair or hiding finances deliberately, both of which are not true). Then barely talking other than the niceties of being roommates and friends and co-parents. I tried to approach W a few times, but she lashed out in anger. I have wanted to just give her a hug and say I love her, but the prickliness has been off the charts. We went on vacation in early March and didn't really spend any couples time together, just swam with the kids. W also started IC in February.
No BD yet, but...I found evidence in late March she is considering D, and also believes I may have a mental disorder, and is documenting everything we talk about. The playbook for leaving someone like this would then be to plan out a safe BD - I literally have no idea if she's going to try to just take off with the kids, or kick me out, or what. We went on a date night and I confronted her in the car, not about the evidence, but trying to apologize for my role in what was going in our M. She was scared that I would do something crazy, and we drove home. I wrote a few apology letters, admitting that some of my behavior was emotionally abusive (especially pulling over in the car). No reaction, other than thanks. I also made it clear in these letters that I love her and want to repair things and work on our future.
April was a brutal month. I traveled for work twice, and she took the kids during spring break to see some friends (while I had to stay at work). The plus side was I was able to deal with the massive anxiety and hurt on my own, which was probably for the best, so I can prepare for the BD. I lost about 10 pounds. W was concerned and asked me to go the doctor, asked a lot of questions about the appointment.
We have plans to go to MC in June or July, once I finish some work travel. Alarm bells go off that this may be the BD coming, but I'm trying to stay calm and not obsess over what I can't control anyways. She seems checked out emotionally. I've heard her crying a bit in bed a couple nights recently. I'm learning not to try to figure out the "why" because it just leads to obsessive rumination.
I want to rebuild our marriage and make this work. I have made myself available and open to W. I suspect she's basically done and just planning out the BD at this point. She may come with accusations of abuse and make this a high-conflict situation. If those accusations come, I think I will drop my attempts to remedy, because I don't know how to even get around that. And to be clear, I am not concerned about these accusations, but if W has gotten to the point where she believes I am an abuser, then I need to move on for my own well-being and sanity.
I am at a loss what to do right now.
With 3 little kids and a full-time job, most weeknights consist of me coming home, spending ~90 mins with kids before bedtime, W and I go off for an hour and just chill on our own, then sometimes we sit and watch TV and have small talk like friends do. Mostly about what's going on in her life. W has been planning a lot of activities with friends on the weekend.
I just don't know what to do for 180s, for instance. If she sees me as some emotionally erratic crazy person, I can act calm. For house chores, I made an honest effort since last fall and it made no difference in our M. For watching the kids, I've talked to my manager about flex hours, and he was receptive, but W seemed ambivalent at best. I feel like I need to GAL but also worry that it will further disconnect us. If I spend evenings working on a hobby, or exercising, it will remove the time we do have. I can't ask to spend more time together. All she seems to want is more space, so I give more and more. It feels like I am just waiting for the guillotine to drop.
Things I have implemented so far: - No more "I love you" texts or saying it. She hasn't done/said it since February. - No more hunting for hugs (our current only form of affection). If she approaches, reciprocate. - No more R talk, or even asking her what is going on. - No more getting stressed around the kids - example, one of my kids may talk back to my W - in the past I would jump in and try to help discipline and would get stressed out if it wasn't the way she wanted me to do it, now I let her handle her situations, and I handle mine - No more buying gifts when I travel for work. (will be implemented on my next trip).
I guess my fundamental question here is: Should I even be trying any of these DR techniques at this point? W is so disconnected, and potentially going to BD me with abuse allegations. I feel like I'm under the microscope, and a few more weeks or months may just lead me to burn-out and want out of M myself. Anyone else been in a similar situation?
