Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[IHCLACS]

I even have to ask and remind myself sometimes? What benefits am I getting from this? No sex, no affection, no ILY's, no intimate fun conversation, no selfless initiatives, no presents, no initiative from them to hang out other than family time, no unified family, no commitment. I clearly see other family members get more personal time and conversation with WAW. So what the hell am I sticking around for? Just like her, I have nothing more than a glorified roommate under contract to fulfill joint obligations, and co-parenting. It's all about her, her dreams, her goals, her desires, her new life, etc.. There is more of an upside to letting them go.

[P_Jam]

Sandi, AS, LH19, ovrrnbw, IHCLACS, - THANK YOU!
I know it must be frustrating to feel like you keep saying the same things repeatedly to me. In my defense (a little) we were talking about the same situation with the birthday party etc. Just spread out over a couple of days.

Anyway – You’ll probably do the same thing again…
So had the ‘friends’ birthday party for my S6 (was also previously agreed to do together) something I was not going to change – but I did not request this. It was set long before the family birthday party. I had the kids that weekend (neither of my kids have ever opened their presents at the party in front of people – they don’t like being the center of attention like that). So she asked if she could come back to the house and watch him open presents. I couldn’t say no (well I know I could have, but it would have looked petty as she had every right to see this aspect as well). My neighbor (good friend) stops by and asks if I want to BBQ at my house I say “sure”. HE knows what’s going on so he grabs the tequila and gets it flowing between all 3 of us. He starts to have the equivalent of R talk with her. Trying to figure out her side (no prompting from me). We continue DRINKING and everyone is talking relatively freely. She says she’s notices my changes but also does reference her un-happiness over a long period of time. Blah blah blah.. Really it’s nothing she stayed for the BBQ all had a decent time. She left. I made nothing more of it (with her). BUT, I did recognize something. I was able to actually see her real pain. I could feel how deeply she was hurt. – It hurt me to see and hear. Although I know I have a ‘right’ to be focused on my pain over the current situation. But I did wonder if maybe I haven’t given enough credit her internal pain (focusing more on WW mindset and GGW). No excuse, but even with the 180’s I know what to change and have been working on it but not sure I have actually understood/internalized what she is/was going through due to my issues– her pain, sadness, disappointment was real. And even with NGS (which is conflict avoidance, manipulating, and controlling – not really ‘being nice”) Its very hard to show my 180’s in this way while also dealing with WW mindset. Her biggest issues were my emotional unavailability. My inability to connect with her, my games and absenteeism. She’s noticing I’m present now, with the kids, with her, with my entire new ‘single’ lifestyle. Not to mention that I can speak in detail about what I did and clearly understand what I’m working on. <- Because of WW mindset I really have not discussed this with her just taking action. We touched on it a little after some tequila (I know she noticed) but I still significantly held back. I could have gone into SUPER VALIDATION mode, but didn’t. I realize we don’t have a relationship, but I do also realize that I have done things wrong in the past and those things are what has lost her attraction. But those 180’s don’t match the WW mindset. [censored]! I

FYI – you are all correct. Doing nothing for anniversary. But I’m confident she will text me (at a minimum).

[LH19]

PJ,

I think all of us on here don’t truly realize the pain our WWs were in to leave. I know my ex gave up a lot. She got way lesser of a house, she doesn’t get invites to mutual friends parties, the security of my job and pension, use of my family cottage which she loved. Everyone thinks she’s crazy for leaving that all behind so that just tells me how unhappy she was the last 3-4 years. I had a lot to do with it even though it wasn’t my attention. My needs weren’t being met and her needs weren’t being met and we didn’t have the tools to figure it out together. Both of our parents have crummy relationships so guess what we modeled.

180s are for yourself for future relationships with or without you ex. It’s a tough lesson to learn but most lessons are learned by going through rough times. As time goes by she’ll remember the good times more then the bad times and if the timing is right you may be able to give it another go.

Remember your just ending the first mile of the marathon.

[DonH]

I think all of us on here don’t truly realize the pain our WWs were in to leave. I know my ex gave up a lot. She got way lesser of a house, she doesn’t get invites to mutual friends parties, the security of my job and pension, use of my family cottage which she loved. Everyone thinks she’s crazy for leaving that all behind so that just tells me how unhappy she was the last 3-4 years. I had a lot to do with it even though it wasn’t my attention. My needs weren’t being met and her needs weren’t being met and we didn’t have the tools to figure it out together. Both of our parents have crummy relationships so guess what we modeled.

Wow LH19, very self-aware and very honest to say. It's so much easier to say that our WAW or WW was crazy and manipulative and a cheater and all of the rest when in fact it is likeky much more like you spell it out here. And that takes guts. It also hopefully goes a long way toward preventing it from happening again.

[job]

Please start a new thread and link them together.

[P_Jam]

New Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2847864&#Post2847864