I think you're right, FS. The phone call went all right, in the end, but it was because we kept it very short. I don't doubt that if we'd have been in each other's company for longer I'd have done something to irritate or upset him - even if that was only my obvious anxiety about irritating or upsetting him. I choose to try to see him more kindly - as someone who is going through a hard time attempting to seek support from someone who he also resents and does not trust, rather than someone out and out manipulative, but whatever his motivations or plans, what is best for me is still the same, I think.
I feel better after getting out a bit. Less self pitying. I do need time and space. I think I wobble a bit when I think about how close it is until he finishes his big bit of work and how I need to manage my expectations as to what will happen after that. I am trying to do that - I really am - but I suspect I have a nasty shock coming and some more grieving to do when he doesn't just dust himself off from his stress and start acting the way I want him to act. Booking the time away for myself was part of that - to take my out of the way, to focus on myself, to get entirely away from him (and the kids, to be honest) and have some focussed solitude and self care.
I am afraid. I don't mind admitting that. I'm less afraid of him these days and more afraid of what little I will accept should he ask to come back in a few weeks' time.
