He can be happy and enjoying himself with the kids, then the slightest little thing can trigger a rant about how awful I am and how terrible our marriage was, or sneering nasty sarcasm, or just utter coldness and withdrawal. This still happens fairly regularly. Me telling him Eldest was going to be helping out more with the morning chores triggered nastiness and sarcasm about him. Me asking him if he'd arranged for the kids to see his parents on Easter Sunday triggered a 20 minute tirade about how I was too ashamed of myself and my own terrible behaviour to be in contact with his parents, then two days of me being upset and him sulking about it... he reads a lot into fairly innocent things and reacts to that, and I have no way of predicting what innocent thing will set him off. So I find myself on guard against all of that, trying to manage my behaviour and his so as not to trigger it, or just withdrawing from him and doing something in another room entirely so as to get some relief from my anxiety.
it is often said here that they go through the same playbook. No matter what I did it was wrong. He would find fault no matter what. Went for a bike ride with them I was being clingy, didn't go for a bike ride I was being sulky. But if you flip it around and everything you do is wrong, then you might as well what makes you happy (or in any case, do what feels right and true to who you want to be).
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I think the problem is my expectations and desires, and my fear of his moods. And while I can't really control those emotions right now - though I hope to get there - I do get a huge amount of relief from them when I am not around him.
Time and distance. You have said yourself you are less anxious when you are not around him. Your moods are at the mercy of his moods. You both start of wanting an interaction to go well, something happens (trust, broken expectations, a small slight), then he goes back to being shouty and you go back to feeling rejected and wanting reassurance. Leave him be until you are strong enough to not let the rejection sting you. He will not like it, but he will respect you for it. You cannot have a relationship without respect - believe me I know.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
H got in touch last night - he's been texting most evenings after work. He said he felt depressed and low and just wanted this work project to be over. I usually text back but because it was unusual for him to disclose himself like that I called him back last night and he sounded awful. When he's low he is totally withdrawn and remote (or in attack mode) and it does frighten me.
This is him offering you a crumb and you biting his hand. I think I would have text back something like "That sounds awful. Let me know if you want to talk about it". Then if he calls, listen and validate. If he doesn't, oh well.
I personally find if our interactions go on for too extended a period, some of that anxiety/fear/silence comes back so I tend to limit the interactions. Time and space.
The advice often given here is to not make yourself as available. There was a part of me that thought that was a little 'game playing' but it isn't. It is self preservation. Give yourself the space to heal.
