Alison— I imagine having a deadline like that could make it both a lot harder and a lot easier...it’s interesting that your H has consistently said that though. I messed up a LOT for the first several months as well (I wish I’d discovered an had the strength for this whole DB thing a lot sooner). Maybe that’s why almost a year later I’m still here...
It does make it harder and easier. Easier, in that I know this work thing is once in a blue moon totally out of the ordinary and he isn't using it as an excuse - he's stressed out of his mind, actually fairly depressed and I totally believe he just doesn't have any emotional resources right now. He's being honest about that and not blaming me and I can respect it. However, it does mean that I've had this perhaps false comfort that everything will start moving quickly once the deadline passes - which is this month - and if it doesn't, I am going to come back to earth with a bump. I might ruin things myself by putting a lot of pressure on things as soon as he finishes the project and not give him proper time to unwind and recover. He's been concentrating on his work, I've been working on myself - we're in really different places and while I think I'm different, I'm afraid it will be just more of the same from him until he actually makes the time to do the work, and I am impatient. And you know - this could just be an excuse. I think after the end of this month I need to go dark and see what happens.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
Journaling... I’m currently feeling a a blend of very torn and very frustrated at being at a plateau again. Though I know the latter is impatience and that means I’m not detached. Sigh. I’m feeling torn because I’ve been getting the advice from my very smart best friend that I should pretty much be going dark at this point—always leaving when my H comes over and avoiding engaging with him about anything but our daughter. In some ways I think she’s right; after all it appears to have stopped (at least for now) the imminent divorce talk that was happening a few weeks ago, and that is obviously something. But I worry that if I go totally dark that I will be discouraging to him and and not giving him anything to miss. It feels like a dilemma— if I’m around for him to chat with he can’t miss me, but if I’m never around him how will he know what to miss? Does that sound all wrong?
This is precisely what I am struggling with. H has said he wants to keep connected as much as we can, given how little resources he has right now. What that means is that basically I am not DBing very well. He texts me more or less every day. We sometimes have R talks. I've let him see me upset. We haven't exactly had dates for a while - we tried this a few months ago and it was a disaster - but he has been in the house a lot with the kids and I tend to hang around unless I have something else specific I want to do. I've cooked for him and given him food to take home with him and tried to support him in other ways that are more 'wife' than they should be. I am afraid he's having his cake and eating it - but I am hoping to be able to support him and show him kindness until he's ready to come home. Like I say, this is all going to have to change, and change fast, if he doesn't start returning some of the effort and working on the R once his work is done. I have that clear deadline.
