Journalling. Mood taken a bit of a dip today. Two things, I think. First - a friend last night encouraging me to start dating. It's been about five months since H moved out, we had a terrible marriage for a couple of years prior to that, I see no signs of things being repaired any time soon and the temptation to pull the plug and go and have some fun is there. I don't want to do that to my children and whatever my H has done, we are married and I want to act married until I am not married. But for some reason it got me feeling lonely in a way that I haven't felt for a long time - for that kind of romantic attention and validation, I suppose. I am seeing a lot of my friends (women) but there is something different about being wanted - desired, I guess - that I have been missing for a long time. I try not to think about it too much. But it was in my heart last night and that got me thinking about his EA, and I had a sleepless night. But it will pass and I have plans for today so no moping.
H got in touch last night - he's been texting most evenings after work. He said he felt depressed and low and just wanted this work project to be over. I usually text back but because it was unusual for him to disclose himself like that I called him back last night and he sounded awful. When he's low he is totally withdrawn and remote (or in attack mode) and it does frighten me. I just listened and tried to validate and encourage. He wasn't being critical or mean - he often does when he's feeling exhausted or low - but actually just talking about his own day and feelings, which is new, so I listened and was as kind as I could be. It was a short call. I offered to vary the childcare arrangements for today so he picks up Youngest a bit later so he can sleep more and perhaps get some exercise, so we agreed to that. I can see from the texts he's sent me this week he has tried hard to be present and ask questions about me and the children and show care and affection despite going through a terrible time himself. I wish he didn't just withdraw or attack when he feels low, but I only wish that because it makes me feel bad so perhaps that's selfish of me. Withdrawing is tolerable, attacking isn't - and he didn't attack.
Anyway, I will see him for handover tonight. Will explain to Youngest today that Daddy isn't feeling well and needs a bit of time extra to sleep but will see him later.
