4 years pieced and still a work in progress!

[BluWave]

Yail, I meant two things by that. In time, all of our sitches eventually sort out. Things don't remain up in the air indefinitely. Either they come back and we work on the M or we don't and both people move on (or continue to remain attached and wait). But over time change will happen. Whichever direction things move in, both people will see the sitch differently. For example, the LBS is initially wounded and wants the WS back. The WS is running away and doesn't want the LBS (even telling themselves lies or rewriting history if they need to justify their actions). However, several months or even years later, both perspectives change, whether there is a recon or not. The way I view my H and my M now, is completely different than when he first left. The same is true for him. Think about it: 5 years ago he was running away from our M, with OW, and said he wanted D. Now, he is back at home, and the more the years pass, the more he sees what a mistake that was. Even if our M doesn't survive, there is no part of him now that thinks having an A and leaving your family is a good idea. Even if we didn't R, he recognizes that the way he thought about me and our M on BD is extreme/emotionally driven. I think in time, as emotions settle, logic or more practical thinking comes around. Again, that doesn't mean the S will always go back to the LBS, but the perspective will shift.


Ovr, thank you. I think sometimes you don't give yourself enough credit. You have good insight into other peoples' sitches. You are right in that this has everything to do with my attitude and mindset. I know that. H knows that. It just doesn't seem to be changing. For whatever reason, my brain cannot convince my heart to feel what it needs to in order to have a close and loving relationship. So no, I'm not all in. Yes, I do hold back a lot. And I think I feel stuck, because I feel as if I should be doing things differently. My focus is much more on my kids, their activities and success, how to prepare them for college (middle in HS and one a young adult going back to school). I work, I take care of my home and family, I drive them to/from their sports, and I am pretty good about self care on my time off. What I don't do is nurture my M. Should I? Sure, of course., we can all agree on that. Do I feel a strong motivation or desire to? No So how can I do that in an authentic way? I am asking.

Reading here doesn't give me a new appreciation for my H, as perhaps it does some of you. You all might see a man that did the right thing. You also my hope your S does the same; comes back and makes ammends. That is how I felt after he left me. Now tho, many years later, I see it differently. I see a good person, who made a terrible mistake, and a person that I believe I can forgive, but not a person I want to feel close to and trust with my heart.

Blu