Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[P_Jam]

Sandi, AS, LH19, ovrrnbw, IHCLACS, - THANK YOU!
I know it must be frustrating to feel like you keep saying the same things repeatedly to me. In my defense (a little) we were talking about the same situation with the birthday party etc. Just spread out over a couple of days.

Anyway – You’ll probably do the same thing again…
So had the ‘friends’ birthday party for my S6 (was also previously agreed to do together) something I was not going to change – but I did not request this. It was set long before the family birthday party. I had the kids that weekend (neither of my kids have ever opened their presents at the party in front of people – they don’t like being the center of attention like that). So she asked if she could come back to the house and watch him open presents. I couldn’t say no (well I know I could have, but it would have looked petty as she had every right to see this aspect as well). My neighbor (good friend) stops by and asks if I want to BBQ at my house I say “sure”. HE knows what’s going on so he grabs the tequila and gets it flowing between all 3 of us. He starts to have the equivalent of R talk with her. Trying to figure out her side (no prompting from me). We continue DRINKING and everyone is talking relatively freely. She says she’s notices my changes but also does reference her un-happiness over a long period of time. Blah blah blah.. Really it’s nothing she stayed for the BBQ all had a decent time. She left. I made nothing more of it (with her). BUT, I did recognize something. I was able to actually see her real pain. I could feel how deeply she was hurt. – It hurt me to see and hear. Although I know I have a ‘right’ to be focused on my pain over the current situation. But I did wonder if maybe I haven’t given enough credit her internal pain (focusing more on WW mindset and GGW). No excuse, but even with the 180’s I know what to change and have been working on it but not sure I have actually understood/internalized what she is/was going through due to my issues– her pain, sadness, disappointment was real. And even with NGS (which is conflict avoidance, manipulating, and controlling – not really ‘being nice”) Its very hard to show my 180’s in this way while also dealing with WW mindset. Her biggest issues were my emotional unavailability. My inability to connect with her, my games and absenteeism. She’s noticing I’m present now, with the kids, with her, with my entire new ‘single’ lifestyle. Not to mention that I can speak in detail about what I did and clearly understand what I’m working on. <- Because of WW mindset I really have not discussed this with her just taking action. We touched on it a little after some tequila (I know she noticed) but I still significantly held back. I could have gone into SUPER VALIDATION mode, but didn’t. I realize we don’t have a relationship, but I do also realize that I have done things wrong in the past and those things are what has lost her attraction. But those 180’s don’t match the WW mindset. [censored]! I

FYI – you are all correct. Doing nothing for anniversary. But I’m confident she will text me (at a minimum).