There's an awful lot of blame and resentment in there Alison. You can't make him change, all you can do is work on your side of things and either he will respond to those changes or not.
How is he supposed to forgive you for your past behaviour if you can't forgive him? Someone has to start first, and you're in the better position right now to start. Forgiveness is hard, and it's ongoing, and it takes time, but it's for you as much as for him or your relationship. The past is the past, you can't change it, you can only learn from it and then let it go.
