Sometimes it is because of how he treats me - when he is very distant and cold, which I find upsetting - it triggers an urge to ask for reassurance from him, which I have to work to wrestle with. Even when I'm successful at restraining myself, the effort is exhausting. And when I'm not, he gets irritated (understandably enough), and that's upsetting to me.
When he's a bit more present and active, I am on edge, not knowing how to respond and not really being able to enjoy his company because there's no security or dependability in it - I don't mean in the R, or him not living here - I mean his mood. He can be happy and enjoying himself with the kids, then the slightest little thing can trigger a rant about how awful I am and how terrible our marriage was, or sneering nasty sarcasm, or just utter coldness and withdrawal. This still happens fairly regularly. Me telling him Eldest was going to be helping out more with the morning chores triggered nastiness and sarcasm about him. Me asking him if he'd arranged for the kids to see his parents on Easter Sunday triggered a 20 minute tirade about how I was too ashamed of myself and my own terrible behaviour to be in contact with his parents, then two days of me being upset and him sulking about it... he reads a lot into fairly innocent things and reacts to that, and I have no way of predicting what innocent thing will set him off. So I find myself on guard against all of that, trying to manage my behaviour and his so as not to trigger it, or just withdrawing from him and doing something in another room entirely so as to get some relief from my anxiety.
I think the problem is my expectations and desires, and my fear of his moods. And while I can't really control those emotions right now - though I hope to get there - I do get a huge amount of relief from them when I am not around him.
I guess I find it hard not to say what is on my mind. He's said he wants to come home and work on things when he finishes this work (by my reckoning that would be at the end of this month). He says he wants us to try MC with the family therapist we saw with the kids. He said - the last time I saw him - that he wanted us to shop around and buy a new bed for when he comes home. I try not to ready too much into statements like this (it is very hard) and I don't say what I want to say - which is some version of: 'okay - but you know you're not coming home unless and until there are huge changes in how you treat me, don't you? So have you got past blaming me and having temper tantrums at me and are you ready to tell me what strategies you've got in place to manage your own moods and improve your side of things?' and 'you recall you walked out of the last session with the family therapist before it was over and slammed the door because she challenged you on the way you were speaking to Eldest and the way you were obstructing the process?' and 'how about you tell me you're sorry for how much you've hurt me, and you understand how little trust I have in you, and you're committed to working on that, rather than giving me a laundry list of things I have to change in order to make sure your moods don't erupt?' but I never say any of those things. And a lot of the time I want to.
Ah. Today is a peaceful day. I had a good night's sleep last night. He sent his goodnight message as I was drifting off but I didn't want to wake up so didn't respond until this morning. Youngest wanted to speak to him on the phone this morning so I arranged that but didn't participate in the conversation myself. I didn't do my life admin yesterday (my bad) so today is going to be an UGLY DAY where I get it done. This isn't a 180 - I've always been the one to do all the house paperwork, so I'm just dragging my heels because it is boring and I am in a lazy mood.
