Yorkie, you are doing amazingly well. I can't believe how complicated and difficult all of this is, and how unnecessarily awkward your H is being about all these arrangements. Do you think he just has his head in the sand, or this is his way of delaying a divorce he doesn't want, or punishing you for initiating the divorce, or something else? It's mad. I can't believe it wouldn't be in his best interests to tie up the financial matters too.
I am going to look up Bowen therapy. I'm in IC with a particular system that isn't that, but has been influenced by it, and my IC has mentioned there are useful medications that might help me. Thanks for the reminder.
A couple of months back I would have tied myself in knots trying to work out why he was doing something. I'm pleased to say that I don't give it much consideration now. I suspect all of the above.
I've put my trust in my L. She's awesome. To trust her is massive for me because the only other person I've ever really trusted is H and look how that worked out. I'm happy that she and I have a strategy. She apologised that she cannot advise mediation, which is what she is trained to do, but his prior knowledge and current actions sort of negate it.
I went to the Bowen therapist for a head massage and we got talking and tried Bowen instead. I'm a fan. She's such a calm person that I feel myself tearing whenever I talk to her. I've realised that it's because I feel safe in her company. Safe to feel emotional. I have come to believe / understand that I cannot cure my head by 'thinking myself out of it' and that I should take a holistic view.
That's a big thing for me who was in the 'roll your sleeves and flipping get on with it' camp.
The book she recommended was by Mark Williams. Watch him on you tube first if you like. Here's what my mind wants to do: " you feel sad. why are you sad. Because your life is difficult. because of the divorce. because of the husband, because of the house, because of the kids, because of work, because you're going to be alone, because you must not be a nice and worthy person etc etc." What I am aiming for is " oh you feel a bit low today. Take it a bit slower. It'll pass"
My IC has revealed to me that for a long time, whenever I felt insecure or upset or fearful or anything at all, I turned to H to fix that for me. And sometimes he could - and when he coudn't or didn't want to - I got angry at him. That's on me. What I am learning to do now is to look inside to deal with my own negative feelings, and at the same time not take total responsibility for them - it's perfectly natural I would feel those things given the way the marriage was, and that means I need to work on some boundaries too. It's an outside job - taking action in the real world - and an inside job - going inside and dealing with my past and my childhood issues and my tendency to make someone else responsible for comforting me all the time, and what damage that has done to H and our marriage. It's a slow process. It sounds like that book would be really useful to me. I will see if I can catch the video today while I'm on the train. Thank you again.
Heading off to Prague for a 4 day break with my friend from childhood. Couldn't come at a better time really because this last week the doldrums have really set in. I think I'm just exhausted.
I commented to one son that I just felt that I needed to opt out of my life for a while. Work is stressful, the divorce, the financials, getting the house sorted, the dog etc etc.
So, a trip away will let me do just that for a few days.
I did muse last night that perhaps this 'opting out' feeling is what H had felt for a long time. Shame that his answer was to find sex elsewhere.
So, have worked my butt off sorting the house and garden and yesterday the agent came to take the photographs. We've known him for 30+ years and he's aware of the situation so was very careful and sensitive in what he was saying and doing. That was comforting and I got a big hug at the end.
Saw H at the weekend when he asked if he could pick something up. 1st contact in 3 months. It was all very pleasant and we talked about the garden. He did offer to do some heavy work but then went on to tell me how busy his life was. So, I thanked him for the offer and said I'd crack on and see how much I managed. All together, it was a comfortable exchange and I realise that is how I would like it to be in the future.
However, the financials are due next week and I am not expecting that will be plain sailing. Nor do I trust him. So the calm and pleasantness may not last for long. We'll see.
It's nice to hear from you again Yorkie. I'm glad you've had some calm and pleasantness, though I'm not surprised you're wary about how long it is going to last. I think it's great you've booked yourself a trip. Did you see that I got my days away booked too? When are you going?
Had a fab time and a miserable time all rolled into one!! Didn't expect the range of emotion and particularly sadness that I felt. Spent some part of each day emotional and tearful. Even the good company of my friend and a beautiful city couldn't stop constant thoughts of him in my head. Haven't had that for some time.
I spent far too much time and headspace dedicated to a mild panic that I shouldn't proceed with the Divorce, that it was happening too quickly.
My friend was great company but all I kept thinking was that I don't want to be here with you, I want too be here with H.
Honestly, if he'd walked into that hotel I would have taken him back.
Got back home and cried for 2 days, proper proper gut wrenching sobbing. I think it's out of my system now. For every thought that I had about R and waiting, I had a counter argument. So much arguing in my head.
I've concluded that I don't really want to get Divorced. Yet. However, the law doesn't allow me that luxury if I want to protect myself financially. And the spending that I can see is just getting worse and worse.
So, I've completed the financial disclosure that is due on Friday. If he doesn't produce his then I have a choice to either wait for a bit or to allow the lawyer to make an application to court. To do that, I have to lodge the divorce petition. And write a massive cheque!!
I expect the worst, not least because I am currently getting Mr Nice guy in any text communication about the house. I expect that he thinks if he is nice I will think twice about imposing a court order for disclosure.
It's sad isn't it that 12 months ago that level of cynicism would not have even entered my head.
House contract came from the agent today. I think that is probably stressing me a bit. I've never been a materialistic person, but we have worked hard to create this house and it housed my family for the last 23 years. I know I'll take my memories with me etc etc but I still feel a little pi**ed that this has been 'forced' upon me.
A friend asked me today if I still loved him and I said that I did love him but I wasn't in love with him. Go figure!!
There are days like this for all of us. You are grieving. That's OK. Doesn't weaken your resolve.
I went to an ex's wedding a few years ago. We were barely in our teens when we first got together and were together over ten years. I left him for my H but we (against all odds) stayed friends. I went to his wedding with my H and the girls. We were very much together then. The wedding was in an old monastery/spa resort in France and we were there for 4 days. The morning of the wedding I was having a massage and I found myself balling my eyes out. I cried through the wedding (luckily it was outdoors and I could wear glasses) and cried once or twice during dinner. I cried the next mornign when they left. My H, bless him, didn't ask questions. He just hugged me (a lot). It was not because I was not happy with my choices. I had two beautiful girls, a H that adored me enough to go to my ex's wedding, and I was building a decent life. I was happy. Yet, I was in tears. I was grieving my R 8 years after my R was over.
So, do not beat yourself up. You are human, and you are grieving.
I don't know if he is trying to manipulate you with the mr nice guy act or if he has had enough time/space to realize you are not the bad guy in this. To be honest, it doesn't matter. Stand your ground. You will know what the right thing to do is.
I get how you feel about the house too. I know if we do not sort this out then I will have to sell our home. It breaks my heart because this was our forever home. We wanted to fill it with our hopes and dreams. A place our children could bring their children. I feel more attached to it now that I know it may not be mine next year then in all the years proceeding. But it is just a house. I will build a new dream home for me and the girls. It might not be as beautiful as this one. But it will be mine.
I think it hit me that I only expected US to sell the house and move to something smaller together. A new chapter in our lives. Now it's just a new chapter in my life. One that I haven't chosen. I'm just having a little pity party. Even GAL couldn't prevent this one! lol.
I do feel better for letting it out to be honest. Perhaps it was needed. Maybe it was the final laying to rest.
Also, my friend separated from a cruel and abusive husband 18 months ago. She is finally opening up about years of cruelty. There is no way she could have stayed any longer. When I compared it to my sitch, I realised that our marital problems were literally nothing in comparison. So that made me cross. H got bored and felt unloved and this mess ensued. Even at my most indifferent I couldn't be described as cruel. There was nothing that couldn't be remedied with a small amount of effort on both parts. We wouldn't have been together for 30 years if it was so bad.
I saw your post about the locks. How you feeling about it? Have there been any repercussions?
Not well - but not as badly as I thought he would.
I told him in the car. Both the kids were with us. I said it casually like it was nothing. "Oh, by the way I changed the locks - I'll get a copy of the top key cut for you". When he asked why I said "because I was locked out". Strangely, he asked when was I locked out, ah, when you locked me out you div (I didn't say that). He had a go at me for wasting money but that was about it. It stopped when I told him that it was my money to waste.
He was less communicative yesterday. But that could be any number of things.
I had a girlfriend stay with me a few weeks ago. Same as yours. Her H was cruel and abusive too. Now that she is on her own and taking control back of her life, he has become even worse - texts threatening to break down doors, threats to keep the children, abuse when she is 5 mins late for drop off/pick up. Whilst my H has some of the same controlling tendencies, he was a saint in comparison. I wish I had known what I know now. Things would be different.
