Had a fab time and a miserable time all rolled into one!! Didn't expect the range of emotion and particularly sadness that I felt. Spent some part of each day emotional and tearful. Even the good company of my friend and a beautiful city couldn't stop constant thoughts of him in my head. Haven't had that for some time.
I spent far too much time and headspace dedicated to a mild panic that I shouldn't proceed with the Divorce, that it was happening too quickly.
My friend was great company but all I kept thinking was that I don't want to be here with you, I want too be here with H.
Honestly, if he'd walked into that hotel I would have taken him back.
Got back home and cried for 2 days, proper proper gut wrenching sobbing. I think it's out of my system now. For every thought that I had about R and waiting, I had a counter argument. So much arguing in my head.
I've concluded that I don't really want to get Divorced. Yet. However, the law doesn't allow me that luxury if I want to protect myself financially. And the spending that I can see is just getting worse and worse.
So, I've completed the financial disclosure that is due on Friday. If he doesn't produce his then I have a choice to either wait for a bit or to allow the lawyer to make an application to court. To do that, I have to lodge the divorce petition. And write a massive cheque!!
I expect the worst, not least because I am currently getting Mr Nice guy in any text communication about the house. I expect that he thinks if he is nice I will think twice about imposing a court order for disclosure.
It's sad isn't it that 12 months ago that level of cynicism would not have even entered my head.
House contract came from the agent today. I think that is probably stressing me a bit. I've never been a materialistic person, but we have worked hard to create this house and it housed my family for the last 23 years. I know I'll take my memories with me etc etc but I still feel a little pi**ed that this has been 'forced' upon me.
A friend asked me today if I still loved him and I said that I did love him but I wasn't in love with him. Go figure!!
