Thank you CSL. I'm glad to know that someone is going through the same thing at the same time!
I too try to over analyze everything. I need to not worry so much about it, bit that's easier said than done because I have not detached all the way yet.
Today a package came. I have not seen the package but know that it came from a fancy department store. A store neither H or I shop at. Is the OW sending him something? Is it a Mother's Day gift? What in the world is it?
H always says that he is never allowed to decide anything. DD's phone was taken away from him b/c of her grades. I allowed her to have her phone on a school field trip and he was not too happy. I should have asked him permission but I didn't. Now DD is going away for the weekend, she called her dad to ask if she could take her phone and he told her to ask me because I'm the boss. How do I respond?? I feel like he can tell her no himself, but wants to put the pressure on me and if I say yes, he will keep playing the "I never get a say in anything" card. Help!!!!
Discuss it with H. Make a joint decision. If you both disagree about the phone, let H make the final decision.
Thank you for the advice. I did not let her take her phone because her grades have not improved.
I'm rather mad right now because H did not share the important emails regarding DD trip and I did not have an important form that needed to turned in. Luckily I was able to text the information to the leader. I was embarrassed because the leader asked if we had gotten his emails regarding the trip and I said that I did not, maybe H had but not me. I swear H spends more time telling the OW about "everyday things" that he forgets who he tells!
Call him and apologize for not including him in the decision. Then make a joint decision on what’s best moving forward.
The problem is that he basically does not want to decide anything. He uses the phrase "I don't get to make decisions around here" as an excuse to not decide on things. Of course the one and only thing he has ever made clear is that he "will not stop talking to her!" Otherwise, he gives up and shows weakness.
But don't allow him to use the passive/aggressive response stuff "I don't get to make decisions around here."
Let him know you could have done a better job of including him and you'd like to partner with him for the decisions about your DD.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
But don't allow him to use the passive/aggressive response stuff "I don't get to make decisions around here."
Let him know you could have done a better job of including him and you'd like to partner with him for the decisions about your DD.
Thank you. He has pretty much always been like that. Letting other people "tell him what to do and where to be when." He plays that card with his mom and dad too. Now it gives the OW a chance to feel even more sorry for him and the horrible life he is living and how she has rescued him! Blah, blah, blah. He pretty much has told her that he has NEVER had a say in what he wants...i.e. buying our house, having friends, whether or not to do family stuff, his job. He said he gave up years ago. He's the victim (which I feel sorry for him) and that's why he wants to leave us for his soulmate, but he is stuck. Basically he'll stick around until the kids grow up and leave the house.
I'm noticing a pattern here. Every Saturday H gets up around 5am to go get doughnuts for the kids. He's been doing it for several weeks now. I'm pretty sure he leaves so he can talk to the OW on the phone on her way to work. This behavior mimics what happened around the start of the affair when I was none the wiser. Back then when I questioned him why be was out in his car for hours he said because his friend was driving home and needed someone to talk to to stay away. When I asked why her husband wasn't doing this, H responded that they were having a hard time as a married couple. That comment made me start to question their friendship.
So do I let this "doughnut getting for the kids" behavior go because I'm supposed to let him go or do I say something? If so, what?
