We did establish that nobody goes around our son until there is a legitimate serious relationship/over 1yr+.
? It seems like you basically OK'd her affair.
This was before the divorce busting tactics were learned. I see now it was a weak move, at the time I thought it was responsible and I was thinking about the best interests of my son. Also not applying pressure to stay.
-Why did you buy a new car with her while she is having an affair?
I didn't buy it for her, I just saved her some money. I am not on the financing paperwork, etc.
-Don't worry about "demonstrating 180's". You'll just end up looking like a peacock strutting around and it may come off fake. Just worry about picking out your 180's and committing to them.
Noted, and kind of how I feel.
-Quit trying to fix her problems. She doesn't want you remember? -Why are you paying her "child support"? Why not just have your child half the time and split expenses with her?
That's not how it works in VA. If I pay her nothing then she can file for back-child-support.
As for 50/50 custody, that is a tricky one. We each work 45min away from each other. I screwed myself by moving closer to work. VA is a very mom-biased state from all personal accounts of friends who've gone through this.
For starters I need a place that has his own room, furnished, etc. I am renting a room at a friend's house, so no utilities, etc is helping me save up.
Because of a bankruptcy several years ago plus a medical bill in collections(which I'm working on now) my credit is horrible. I can't realistically take out a loan for what I need.
I need a place in the same school district as she is in... This means I'm commuting 100mi daily and an hour away from him at any given time if I get a call from his school. This also means before and after school care will be needed.
If I transfer to the location in their city, they have weird shift hours (5am to 2pm or 3pm to midnight), which means I'd need a babysitter or childcare starting at 4:30am (which is insanely hard to find) for morning shift, or I'd hardly ever see him on night shift plus require a live in nanny which is a no-go. I work 8-5 currently.
-I'm in the no gifts for cheaters camp. -You showed up with your dad to help her move old furniture? What about OM? He can't help her? He's the man right? This kind of behavior is called "white-knighting" and is solid friend zone behavior. You should be busy moving forward/GAL if requests like this are made.
Yeah, I'm frankly not sure if there is an OM or not. I haven't heard anything about it since she said she was talking to someone as friends.
-Quit discussing your situation with this mutual friend. Period.
Done
-Let her do the work on the separation/divorce side. Her choice so she can lead the charge and pay the associated fees.
I'll let her do the work on the divorce, but I need to ensure I don't get screwed and have an agreement drawn up. If she doesn't help pay for it then I won't be taking much of her input into consideration, and I intend to add a clause about future possibilities of 50/50 split custody.
-You're trying to fix every problem she presents to you and you let her make your feel bad about all her problems.
You're right. I'm being too helpful.
-Get off the dating site. You're not ready, not even close. Also, maybe you forgot, you're married and supposedly trying to save your marriage.
Yes. I was signed up for a day to browse and deactivated the account and haven't been back since. It was a moment of weakness.
Now, I see some positives in your overall attitude and mindset. Keep that going. Don't push the separation unless that's what you want. Get the parenting plan in writing. What is it now? It should be 50/50. Just text/email her and be as succinct as possible. When you see your son, you should take him out. Don't hang out at your W's place, you need to get some space from her IMO. If there's no court order that your W gets full custody then I don't know why you are letting her call all the shots on when you get to see him. He should be staying with you half the time.
Use fewer words when you interact with her. Read R2C links on attraction. They will help you a lot.
Thanks, I added my replies in the quote above. The custody thing is a very complicated situation.
