Don't take the bait Bo!! Don't do it!!! I read this 3 times, and although my experience, our WAW responses, and my sitch eerily similar to yours. Our IVF pregnancy because of my fertility. Mother's Day, Birthday Anniversaries, all the reasons and justifications for separation, (a lot of them legitimate and some of them having nothing to do with me.)

I started asking for documentation for D a few weeks ago because I just got fed up and decided I didn't want to carry on, and she panics, it kind of woke her up but she still held all the cards. After a couple of days of requesting tax documents other stuff from her for that reason, she still kept on making her position clear on what she's doing and what she wants. I told her I didn't want to go down that road with her, but she still insisted on putting the house on the market and selling it. She offered to finally go to joint therapy together, and we had a discussion. Two days later, after our discussion about our trust issues and joint therapy, she changed her mind again and renegged, since she wasn't ready and she was only considering joint therapy because she felt guilty and wanted to appease me. At least that's what she said. Whether those reasons are legitimate and who the hell knows? She twisted and rewrote history on me saying that I never wanted to attend therapy with her back in OCT which was true for October because I was working away. But I made myself clear that I wanted to go to therapy together in January, and Feb. In January and February she insisted on going to therapy alone. She didn't remember that from our recent discussion. Then she reneged again on joint therapy and actually accuse me of the one flip flopping.

Here's my assessment.... It's still all about her... she is asking you if you are open to seeing a therapist together for her to fix and work on her issues FOR HER AND HER ONLY. She knows she is at the eleventh hour of not turning back. She is right on the edge. She is crying because she is mourning the death of the marriage, it is not because she wants to reconcile with you. She is throwing the joint therapy out there as bait to see if you'll hang on a little bit longer, without having to give up her position while still holding all the cards. It's probably nothing more than bait, and it is still a power struggle. She is having second thoughts at the eleventh hour. She is probably not throwing it out there for the both of you. She is just doing it for herself for answers and clarity.

I think you did very well with replying "I have to think about that." If you decide to have this joint therapy discussion with her, I believe the most important question you can ask her is what are her reasons for wanting this, and wanting it now after how far things have gotten? Subtly find out if she wants to do this because she wants to fix things with her, for herself? Or because she wants to actually work on the marriage. Do not cave, do not give up or reveal your position? Ask a few questions to find out her initiative incentive motive and reasons?

Anything short of her saying : "I would like to reconcile and work on the marriage." Is nothing more than a half-hearted attempt at real commitment, and is probably temp checking. Although I can perfectly understand why they would make this entire situation about themselves. If she is still making the interaction in this discussion about her, then she is only looking for clarity and peace of mind, and some answers for herself. She is not making it about you and what she is putting you through, or reconciling. I know that we as the LBS have made a lot of guilty mistakes. A lot of us have apologized and have tried to make good on those mistakes with a contrite heart, and typically we are met with the "too little too late" responses from our R talks, searching for answers on how we got here in the first place.

Take my opinion and experiences for what it's worth. Maybe some of the vets agree and some disagree. But don't give up your position. If you see that she's leaning it's a joint therapy for her own reasons and clarification rather than working on the marriage, and the recommitment to such, keep the "I have to think about that..." responses going.

I definitely feel you on the projection in the blame shifting as I am experiencing nothing but that from W.


Last edited by IHCLACS; 05/01/19 08:32 AM.