Since I was just conversing on Wolfman's post, and we were discussing incentives for wanting to stay. It got me thinking. I'm sure that most of us here feel like currently in the midst of our situations that there is no incentive to want to stay. However looking at the people who did successfully avoid their divorces on here. We all know that time and space heals. We also know that we changed through and because of the process. If everyone here, and the vets, advocates being in the present and accepting the present situation, accepting there WAS for who they are, where they are in life right now, and accept that the relationship and current MR is over and dead. That the only way through this is to rebuild yourself, improve yourself and only be responsible for yourself and your actions, thoughts, words,deeds, and behaviors. Not to live in the past of the person you knew, or the marriage you knew....
Here is a provocative $64,000 Question? What keeps hope alive for most people here? Going off of what you knew, and how you knew it, and how you knew them? (Coming from good memories of the past.) Or is it because you like what you see in the changes that you make for yourself, as well as the changes you are witnessing unfolding from your WAS in the present?
I understand that respect and trust clearly need to be earned back, and to do that it tastes consistency and time which I also understand. For those of you here who have pieced, and have experience piecing. At what point did the tides turn and you became hopeful again and what were the indications and reasons why? I'm not looking for timelines as that's irrelevant to me. I want to know the how's and why's of how trust and respect was restored, how communication was opened again, and how far does someone have to fall to get there? Was it because of a willingness for both parties to cooperate, and attempt to relate again? Can anyone of you list any of your personal experiences on redeveloping trust and softening walls, once the willingness of respect and trust is attempted with sincerity to be earned back.
I know that from this experience, myself and my W will never be the same again. But that's also a good and a bad thing. I realize that you have to let go of someone and your idea who they are, and I realize that neither one of us will be the same two to three years from now, whether together or not it will definitely be a growing experience and a learning experience which I'm probably going to love and hate at the same time. I'm just curious from the experts on here that did decide to renew their M. What was it like starting a new? What was said? How did it start? What was the conversation, the way it happened and the starting point? From what everyone says on here, when and if I do know I will definitely know for sure without all the wishy-washyness, providing full commitment sincerity and humility. I guess what I'm asking is once everyone started a new again what did that conversation dialogue look like?
Because right now I have absolutely no incentives or intentions to want to stay M. other than the possibility of time to see how this unfolds in the future out of curiosity. But I will admit. A healthy part of my self-respect, pride and my ego will always say: " I will never be or accept being Plan B" to someone else's goals, dreams, desires, and relationships. There is not going to be a "oops I screwed up get-out-of-jail-free card" for my WAW years from now if he does decide to return, unless there's some real change, real humility, real honesty, real discussion, and respect, as well as the willingness to see the other person's point of view.
