Thanks for trying, Benito. I'm grateful for you taking the time to share your experience and perspective.
The fact is, I'm not putting up with it. Short of preventing him seeing his children - which I would not do, and which would involves me being present for at least a two minute hand-over given the age of the Youngest - I am going to need to find a positive and healthy way to respond to him. That will involve working on myself, certainly. It will involve reducing unnecessary contact - absolutely. It will also involve learning to validate, as DB suggests, and also learning to set boundaries. I think when you say 'not putting up with it' you mean setting boundaries, but what I'm after is guidance in how to discern the difference between emotional abuse and feelings that need validating, and suggestions of how to do both. HOW to set boundaries. HOW to find the wording. I appreciate you attempting to help but right now I am after practical suggestions than your attempts to give a 2x4.
Thanks Hope. I understand what you're saying totally. There's a line, isn't there, between validating a feeling (he can feel whatever he likes - he's entitled to that) and accepting a behaviour. I can accept his frustration or anger and validate that, but I will not tolerate certain behaviours from him. I guess I don't really need to communicate my boundary to him. It might be something I don't need words for. I can demonstrate my boundary by refusing to continue conversations where he behaves in ways that are unacceptable to me.
Now I'm typing, I remember my IC going through this with me a couple of months ago. She recommended when he went off on one of his rants just saying quietly, 'you may be right, I'll consider it,' then getting out of there. There's no defensiveness, no argument, no placating or pacifying or attacking. It is a peaceful way of acknowledging what he's said and getting out of the conversation. And whether or not I do consider it later, in a calmer and more private moment, is up to me. And what he thinks of me in that moment - well, isn't my business and isn't as important as just getting away from the behaviour. I wish I hadn't forgotten it - I'll have to get it tattooed somewhere because I imagine it will come in useful to me.
I don't actually expect to see him or have much contact with him at all for a few days - perhaps the next week. I have much GAL planned though, which I am looking forward to.
