Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

It's been a really long time since I updated but I think I am ready to again... very long story short...the constant manipulation of hope for the future, hot and cold, ignoring me then wanting sex, chasing me when I pulled back etc led to me having a complete breakdown, hospitalized for being suicidal and a month long therapy program. He cried when I was hospitalized, visited me every day and had been somewhat supportive and then it went back to how it was.

I didn't refuse to sign papers but also made no effort to sign either. Our anniversary came around and he said he wanted to do something, by this point I was breaking all the DB rules and talking about how I knew we were meant to be together and we even discussed how it could be a remarriage on our anniversary next year, he just kept saying he needed time and space and that he hadn't had the chance to miss me.

Well my anti-depressants finally stopped changing causing me mood swings etc and last week I saw everything so clearly, I got sucked into his drama again of hot and cold and decided no more, he again raised the point that I wouldn't sign so I agreed to meet him at the attorney office that day and sign.


He didn't say a word, he didn't apologize, didn't shed a tear. I silently cried and as was over I put our wedding rings on the table in front of him and walked out. That was last Thursday, he came home for 2 hours where I completely ignored him, I'm not ready to have any contact with him yet, he packed a bag and left no idea where he stayed but he is on a business trip this week. I went and bought a new car on Saturday and have been concentrating solely on me, my recovery, GAL. I realized he isn't him anymore, this new version is horrible and I don't want to be married to him. I have found myself again and I do hope that one day he finds himself and we end up back together but I have finally accepted that life will be fine if that doesn't happen.

He text me yesterday and today but I can't bring myself to reply. I know its wrong but I am now completely no contact with him, ignoring him 100%, staying far out of his way. This is what he wanted, he can have it. It didn't have to be like this but I love myself enough now to know I deserve so much better. I have to live with him until august 1st, so that will be difficult maybe in a few weeks I won't be ignoring him, but I certainly won't be staying friends with him like he wants.

just every symptom of a Walk Away Spouse, and I have finally learned I just need to let go, let him on his journey and not be completely focused on us being together again as it was killing me. I can move on and detach (struggling with the lovingly part), and just accept that what will be will be. It's hard but its better than where I was