Niall 2: Drifting Apart

[Niall11]

Thanks Sandi, just a few responses.

People who hurt, trash, or disrespect me I'm not particularly interested in making nice with.

Oh, I hear you! Have you had to work with someone who would stab you in the back? If you are in public work, you are required to show professional conduct, but co-workers have a way of making your life miserable. Maybe that's similar to how you feel with your W in this current sitch. I certainly don't envy you.

Similar but this is much worse. I have to live with this person and collaborate on raising a child. This is the one person who took a vow to be loyal to me and to love me. So it hurts much worse than a relative stranger at work.

For some women, when their H leave a good paying job to go into self employment (which often means they struggle the first few years), they can resent it. Depending on the woman and how supportive she was about the H's endeavor. I fail to see how this would cause her to suddenly want to be with other women sexually. However, rebellion is rebellion no matter the wrapping paper.

I didn't leave the job voluntarily. In the fallout from the 2008-09-10 recession they closed the entire office and let 40 people go.

W and I had been together nearly a year when we got the news. I had wanted to transition into a less stressful job and we had wanted to move to where we now live (she hoped to go to school here). So her reaction was totally supportive and it really made me feel like she loved me, not just my high income. In the back of my mind it was a factor in my decision to propose.

We came here and I interviewed a bunch but it was a very tight market then in my field and nothing came through. An acquaintance hired me out of the blue for a project, the money was decent, and barring any "normal" job turning up we decided I'd go with this. It's been up and down and lately more down because a major client had a heart attack, survived but decided to sell his business to a conglomerate that doesn't need my services. We are not where I (and apparently she) wanted us to be at this point, but we've had a pretty good life until recently when reduced income and D2 expenses have left us with little extra cash.

W's narrative is that she works hard and I'm some kind of lazy bum. Since she started teaching, six years ago, she's (very) slightly ahead on work income, but hers is steady and mine more erratic and involves chasing down people who take their sweet time paying. I also inherited some money (and land, which we sold; she didn't complain when that went to buy her car and pay for her dental work).

All in all, the last 6 years I've contributed more dollars than she has and spent far fewer on myself. The 4 years before that we lived very well and I paid for literally everything while she was unemployed and then in school. Her student loans are far lower than they would be if I hadn't paid for everything during her grad school.

For years W seemed OK with everything and we were a team. Only since D2 was born and we're not where we'd like to be has W suddenly decided that I'm a total loser. And I guess I am for trusting her instead of understanding she'd suck me dry and then ditch me.

I don't think any of this is the reason W finds herself attracted to women. I'm not sure if that was always there but repressed, or what. But I do think the career and money issues are a huge reason why she's down on me. I also think it's unfair and she's in for a rude awakening since she seems to think she'll be more prosperous without me. She won't.

And, btw, in a previous post I suggested she could possibly be using her days out with D2 as an opportunity or excuse to be with OW. I didn't mean she was engaging in sex while her daughter was with her. Just wanted to clarify. I thought for a mother who wasn't happy about having to keep her child when she wanted to go out with her friends......she was suddenly making arrangements to be out all day with D2. Anyway, probably just my suspicious mind.

First of all, The Artist Formerly Known As OW2 has been demoted to "New BFF." Apparently nothing romantic or sexual happening with her.

W goes out plenty without D2 but during her recent vacation week and on weekends she's been planning to take D2 to her social events. I think it's because lately I've been insisting on the calendar and a more equal distribution so I can GAL as well. If she takes D2, she'll be able to go out on "my" days instead of sitting at home with D2.

We are trying to socialize D2, although that plan was not supposed to be taking D2 around a bunch of people I don't even know without me being included at all. Fortunately W is not a drinker, drugs, any of that, so I don't think D2 has been around any dangerous behaviors. W is not that far gone.

But what really has been happening is that she says she plans to take D2 and then, when the time comes, doesn't want to. I think she loves D2 but right now wants to be a teenager and finds having a H and a D2 wildly inconvenient. Childish.

Don't be too critical of your inability to detach yet. With all the emotions swirling around, it's got to be very challenging to lovingly detach. I'll be honest, if my H suddenly started searching out other men to have an A........I wouldn't lovingly detach. But then I probably wouldn't if he were out searching for women, either, b/c that's the difference between you guys with NGS and women who are potential or former WW's. You'll put up with it, and we won't. It's that simple. When my adult daughter busted me, one of the first things she said was, "You know you would not put up with it for one second if it was Daddy and another woman". She was right, and I knew it.......my family knew it.....my H knew it.....everyone who knows the two of us, knew it. It just ain't gonna happen!

I would have walked away from any past relationship ages ago. But I was never married before. I take the vows seriously enough that I want to say I did all I could to save it. The big thing keeping me here is D2. Right now two of my biggest wishes are never to see W again (or not for a long time) and to see D2 as much as possible.

If I had my old job (or a steady one that paid even half) I could stay in our place, tell her to get out. But I can't afford our place by myself and I'm not going to leave D2 for now. Especially since I'm not sure I could get my own place nearby and afford D2's preschool etc. W has no sense of budget or big picture. She just wants to have fun and whatever fallout for me or D2 is not important to her. Which I consider criminal.

I'm not sure, because of money, etc., that I'm going to be OK. I'm extremely concerned for myself and my future relationship with D2. Very worried and unhappy lately and I'm not good at faking otherwise. I think the vibe I'm giving off is "pensive," not "confident" or "moving on." I have a lot on my mind these days.

I'm so sorry, Niall. You may have to find another job, if your business doesn't improve, but you will make it. You have a precious little girl that means everything to you, so I know you are going to make it. (((hugs)))

Thank you!

I'm actively looking for another job but it hasn't been going well around here. The past few years on my own in sort of a niche have made me less appealing to bigger employers, apparently. I need something decent in the next 3 months or so, or I'm most likely moving 5 hours away to stay at my sister's or dad's for free. I hope it doesn't come to that.