From what I've read, being a distancer or a pursuer isn't hard-wired in, like being an extrovert or an introvert is. It's relative and you can be different in different relationships. I know I am intensely private and I distance in most other relationships other than my marriage. What has helped me is allowing myself to be closer to other people - that means I expect less from my H in terms of meeting my emotional needs. Well - at the moment I try to expect nothing from him at all - but in a future R, if there is one, I plan to keep my intimate friendships with women going as that kind of communication is important to me.
FS - that was pretty poor behaviour. I'd be furious too. I think changing the locks the way you have is appropriate - though yes, it sounds like your daughter needs a consequence of some kind too. I know when H has bothered me in some way it's been nearly impossible for me just to take the event in the day, rather than see it as evidence of 'more of the same'. This could just be a lapse - a mistake on his part - or it could be evidence of all kinds of things. I guess you can decide which it is. It's triggered a lot of feelings in you about being taken for granted in the past, and I know you are still feeling taken for granted now - with the way the childcare schedule works, etc.
