Benito - I understand you don't think the way I am doing things is correct or helpful. Can you make a suggestion as to what would be better in terms of validating well and setting a boundary where there is emotional abuse going on?
Hi,
At the end of the day you can pick and choose what advise you follow, because at the end of the day all of the tips you follow on here are sign posts in the right direction rather than i.e. you need to do this for success.
In my scenario - I kept all conversation and face to face contact to an absolute minimum. It was not lengthy and it was factual.
I didnt ignore things or act cold.. however i completley removed myself from the relationship from a mental point of view.
In all honesty I probably treated her like a work colleague.
This kept things emotion free, factual and what was best for me.
Alot of people are scared to do that because they fear it will push the other person away. However, in reality that NEEDS to happen. There needs to be a complete separation before any rebuilding or changes in mindset will occur.
I had 8 months of two or three text messages a week before she noticed a genuine change had occured and then was curious to start talking and dating and getting to know each other again. But as I said alot of people wont do that as they want to find a softer and less painful way of dealing with the situation they are in. But for me it is the only way.
I am 16 months on now from our recon; we are happier, both have better jobs, have a new house, bought a puppy and things are great. Nothing is perfect but a complete restart rekindled everything. But it was long haul and natural rather than forced through panic.
I am not saying I know the truth or some sort of oracle - however my wife and I have discussed this at length and the main reason she even considering recon - was the fact that she had time to breath - time to think... her interest in what I was up to grew.. and because I kept quiet and focused on myself.. it allowed her to wonder if she was making a mistake and it all build from there.
But without a shadow of a doubt - for me, emotional and mental separation is key to this process. Not cold and harsh but factual and with a mindset of - If this doesnt work i am fine regardless. Make peace with the worse case scenario and you are halfway there
