I am sorry for the recent events that have taken your life on this unwanted path.
And I am glad you found this board. This is a safe place. The kind and compassionate people here have much hard earned wisdom and can really help.
Post often, ask questions, vent, seek guidance, update, whatever and how often you like - it really does help.
We all start off seeking a way to save our marriage. Eventually we learn we need to save ourselves - first and foremost. The marriage is a bonus, if it is saved.
Sh74, I know how harsh that sounds. I really do! I was once right where you are right now.
Most of what you will be advised will seem counterintuitive, will go against your very instincts. The fixer, the no conflict, and such - the manner in which you saw things and walked through life has served you well, until now. Please listen and heed the hard advice, it does work, and you won’t believe it for a while.
What you are experiencing is perfectly fine and normal. The rug has been pulled out from under you, without warning or wanting. Your W’s behaviour has changed and you are looking about wondering what the hell just happened.
My very first recollection of help and hope was that someone actually believed me.
Sh74, I believe and understand what you are going through. MLC is real. Very few people in the real world have even the vaguest notion of what MLC actually is. How horrible and destructive to so many lives. The guy buying a Ferrari and finding a young buxom girlfriend is Hollywood’s extremely poor portrayal of a deep physiological trauma that alters the very reality of the sufferer.
You have shared a very open and honest picture of where you are, and what you are feeling. Well done.
You are correct, you have a long road ahead of you. So, let’s get started.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
It will be ok. Honest.
I completely understand the scrambling around attempting to save and fix your marriage. Stop all that!
Just breathe.
Focus on you and your kids. Just you and your kids.
Don’t worry about W. Don’t worry about the marriage. I know easier said than done.
Remember - counterintuitive.
I will offer you what I can to calm your mind and your heart. To help you stand back up and move forward.
For today, breathe and focus.
I know your mind will be racing about, so let’s give it something to do, that is useful as well.
MLC is caused from deep long ago trauma from their childhood. Something happened from someone in a position of authority, that the child could not yet deal with, due to age, lack of coping skills, or such. They internalized this terrible event, blaming themselves, and hiding in within.
Later in life, around midlife, mortality, family, pressures of life, etc... start building. A trigger event happens which unlocks this past pain, and the unraveling of the person starts. The trigger is usually between 18-24 month prior to bomb drop. Do you remember anything from around that time? A death, a birth, a sickness?
Over this period from trigger to BD, the MLCer slowly changes, starts to resent their spouse. Incorrectly projecting onto their spouse as the source of their pain. It silently builds until it explodes as BD. She runs! Attempting to evade the pain and tortment. There is nothing anyone can do, this includes you, to help your W through her dark path. She has to walk her path, at her speed.
Bomb drop is when you found out. Your W has being dealing with, well actually not dealing with, things for a long time. She has kept it hidden from everyone, included herself.
We all require a certain amount of understanding to start to move forward. And besides you are thinking about this pretty much nonstop right now, so getting it out, will do two things at once.
Tell me about some more about your W’s behaviours. You mentioned she talks to you as if you are her mother. An MLCer will see you as their parent, or authority figure, and heavily rebel against you. Notice - heavily. Seriously, not a good time. Sorry man. Stay strong.
The basic concept for you is to give her space and time. To let her see you are not the source of her pain. Then, she might look inward and start to see the true problem.
Is she acting confused? Forgetful? Angry? How does she treat the kids?
Focus on you. These questions seem to be the opposite - right? Not really. You need to understand and see your W’s behaviour and decide / believe if she is MLC, WAW, or something else. It is for you. By the way, your response, what you do, how you get on with your life, is similar no matter what she “is”, so don’t fret too much.
Focus on you and your kids.
You have a gift of time, use it well. This is a slow moving process. A marathon not a sprint.
Breathe.
I look forward to speaking with you again.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
