Interesting conversation. Being aware that I am a distancer makes me more conscious of how I behave, not just around my H, but other people too ... whenever I feel threatened or hurt. It is a gut response. But I am working on it.
Journalling
GAL Didn't have the children last night but decided to stay in to watch Game of Thrones (once a geek, always a geek). On the yoga front, I've managed to do Yoga at home twice since my last entry but haven't been to a class yet. Getting the motivation to go at lunch is tough and I didn't go after work (more on that later). I picked up a book yesterday which I started a few weeks ago but didn't finish so the one book a week plan is going well so far. I have also managed to make my bed TWO days in a row - motivation to make a bed is low due to no-one else ever seeing it
There won't be much chance for GAL for a while as I have the children pretty much until next Wednesday. I am taking the girls to Brighton this weekend (long weekend in the UK) as the Brighton Festival is on. I have a girlfriend who lives there and she has invited us to stay with her. I am looking forward to it but not.
I have started to create a profile on a dating site. I haven't finished it yet, and may never finish it.
180 I guess my biggest 180 is trying to not distance without pursuing. It was going well(ish) but backtracked yesterday.
H was watching D9 yesterday. I suggested he stay here Sunday night as he wasn't landing until midnight. This would have been a win for all of us: D9 and H got to sleep in and I didn't have to drive her to the other side of town. would have been asleep when he got in, and he would have been asleep when I left so we didn't even need to see each other. He asked me to give D12 some bus money as he was taking D9 to visit his dad in hospital and may not be back in time to pick her up from school. I said sure, but can you let me know where you'll be in the evening as D12 has my house keys. So far, so friendly. I even left him a note in the morning saying hope you slept well and then outlining what homework D9 had left to do.
I sent a friendly text during the day reminding him D12 had my keys. He responded in kind. Said they slept in and gave a brief outline of his plans for the day (dentist, visit dad, netball training etc). All very friendly.
When I got home there was no-one here and I was locked out. I called D12 and she said they were at his mums for dinner. I reminded her she had my keys and she went "oh". I could hear him in the background saying "tell her to come here and get the keys". When I spoke to him all he said was "the girls wanted to come here instead of netball". I sat in a coffee shop for two hours waiting and seething so I sent him a text asking him to be more considerate in the future, he apologized (one of those "Sorry, it was last minute, the girls wanted to see mum and I didn't think about the keys and you"). This got my goat up - one of my issues was I was always the last thing he thought about - he just assumed I would be fine. Fine with looking after the girls when he went out, fine with paying for things, fine with him being 2-3 hours late home. We all have our triggers. A couple of texts later - not long rambling ones - just blunt from me and defensive/aggressive from him, I ended the exchange with a sarcastic response.
I did apologies later (180 from me). We normally let things ride and pretend it didn't happen. Both generally too proud to say sorry.
Lovingly detached I changed the locks last night. Not sure if this is detaching, but to me it is being more proactive. It is time. I will give him the key to the top lock and tell him to let me know when he is coming round and I will be sure to leave the bottom lock undone. I think that meets the "he has right of access" and I have "right to feel safe in my home". He is still attached in many ways which makes it harder for me. He still feels like he is here and I need to make the space mine. So this is the detaching part.
I guess the loving part of this goes with the 180 to be kinder to him, not for him, but just because it is the right thing to do. I am trying but sometimes I fail. Sometimes when he does not show the same back, I react emotionally by putting the walls up. I need to acknowledge this and slowly bring them back down.
