Divorce and Acceptance Part 4

[Pax_luv]

Oh yes, dear bttrfly, this too shall pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later. 4 years is a long time. I do like actually getting to the anger stage... I feel like I bypassed it early on. Time to rage on!!! Just kidding. Not my style.

Just having my lunch time salad and popping in with more nonsensical Monday musings-

I was watching a movie last night before bed.. It was a movie I saw in the theatre on a date a long time ago. I recalled the experience and thought to myself- holy cow, so much has happened since ex and I split. There really has been a substantial amount of life in those years post bd. Ahh reflecting is good.

Which got me to thinking about this-
My cousin is getting married in June. I have to turn in my rsvp card this week. She intentionally had a really long engsgemrnt... like 2.5 years. When she first started planning she was concerned about who was going to make the cut on the invite list. (We have a big family). Anyway, I told her that she needs to include me and a plus one because I’ll be remarried by then. I said so half-jokingly, because it seemed sooooooo far off and I felt equipped to be married again by now. Hahaha. About 6 months ago, she reminded me that I wasn’t married and we still had faith that I could be in a relationship by now. Cringe.


Aye aye aye. I laugh at it now because this degree of healing, learning, and growing is an insanely long process. Too long! Anyway, she still wants me to use the plus one but I have nobody.... and that makes me a little bit sad.

Which leads me to this....
I need to get comfortable with casual dating. It’s just not my jam. I was ok doing the online thing a bit ago, but as I mentioned before I don’t have it in me. No trust.

But I’m dying- dying-dying for some cuddle time or hand holding or butt holding or something! Not talking about sex per se, but just affection. It’s been a really long time. In real life I’m not a clinger at all, but I kind of want to be clingy! That sounds terrible.

My ex wasn’t affectionate with me. He hated hugs. If I was a little flirty trying to get him to acknowledge me, he would say- “what’s the matter? Are you not getting enough attention or something?” Yesssssss I was starved for attention!

I haven’t dated in over a year... it’s time. I feel like it’s the only way I can help things along. I’m just afraid of what’s out there. And I’m afraid of stds... that’s a whole different element, but it crosses my mind. So many hurdles.

Ok, musings over... looking forward to kicking off May, where I’ll have some more court dates in the month to move things along.

Hope you have a wonderful week.