I relate to this so much Alison. I’m a pursuer, and I’ve come to realize that I required more from my H than he was capable of giving in terms of high level communication and chat, and I punished him when he wasn’t able to deliver, because I felt abandoned and unloved. SIGH. In the recent weeks, in an effort to detach, I’ve been making a point not to pursue conversation with him outside of things related to our daughter. I do notice an uptick in his trying to engage with me about work and various random topics. Not engaging/giving short simple responses and not encouraging his attempts at engagement floods me with anxiety. As you said Alison, it’s terrifying for me to leave it to him (super avoidant) to dial up the intimacy/forward momentum of the relationship. But I also realize that he is the only one who can do it. Every time I’ve tried since he moved out, I’ve been rebuffed. I’m always arguing with myself about it; afraid that if I dont encourage his bids for connection that it will discourage him too much. Afraid that if I don’t explicitly invite him back to our marriage that he will never have the guts to ask to come back. But knowing that all of my attempts at inviting him back in explicitly have failed, so to try that again would be foolish. I suppose the answer, once again, is that when and only when I have no expectations can I make bids for connection, and that until then I have to find a way to soothe my anxiety around not being more encouraging in response to his...?
