180 Counterproductive?

[oops13]

Thanks, Steve. You make an excellent point.

My replies had been choppy since I'd been on my phone, so sorry if if I've left information out or done a poor job of responding up until now.

Anyways, going to journal/mind barf to clear my head before work today. Definitely GAL went well over the weekend, we had a little bit of a test that I'd give myself a 50/50 on. She hinted at making plans with me and doing stuff with me over the summer (running and biking and hiking). I hung out with my bros, my family, and did a mountain bike race. She did a LOT around the house yesterday, so I thanked her, offered to cook, cleaned up real quick, asked her to make some stuff for me this week which she happily did. I told her I'd like to take all of the dogs on a family walk, and she seemed to just yield to my manner of saying that we were doing it. Made sure to stand tall and calm in the face of pain and her questioning some things I did this week. Once we got back home from taking the dogs out, she quite obviously texted the other person for a little while. I sat down to watch TV or read, she said she was going to watch TV or read, so I confidently patted the spot on the couch next to me and she came over and sat up against me. Eventually asked for a back rub, I told her I'd do it if she does mine after I lift the next day and she agreed. The back rub/massage was kind of sensual in a way without me trying. I'm much taller than her, so I was kind of enveloping her from behind and working on her back and legs. In a different world it could have led elsewhere. Eventually she'd had enough and we finished watching TV, then got in bed at the same time to read. Of course she slept on the opposite edge of the bed. I suspect a lot of this was to keep me on the hook after I did some things this week she caught wind of that spooked her into thinking I was leaving or starting to separate us some financially. I explained those without weakness/lying. I did tell her good night when we went to bed which was new. Felt weird, probably won't do that anymore. Did upper body work this morning in the gym. I'm about 10lbs away from getting abs if I have to resort to Tinder in long run, I guess.

I'm now seeing the wishy-washiness for what it is. She might have bilked me for a massage, but I also asked her to do some things for me and guided the afternoon for the most part with confidence. Forward progress. No "ILY" this morning from either of us.

In my head in the gym this morning I was thinking about the whole "alpha" and behavioral stuff mentioned here. She has told me twice now that she finds me physically attractive or even hot, but she is not "attracted to me" and this has been revised in her head too. I think this, along with the massive amount of weakness/manchild she dealt with for years plainly supports the idea that I need to change my behavior to be attractive. Physically, I'm tall, muscular, getting lean, attractive in general. In the past she asked things like "Why are you even with me?" and indicated that I'm the more attractive partner...until I let myself go for a while (mentally and physically) that is. I think I'm a good looking person that is definitely because of my now rusty/dormant social skills and attitude.

Her mental health is apparently really really bad right now, but I'm not sure if she's telling me this as cover or not. Her depression/anxiety/traumatic upbringing issues might be gas on the fire for the EA or whatever it is.

The worst thing in my head right now, however, is that it seems like every other post/sig I see this always ends up in divorce. Hard to be optimistic, even if I know I should be doing it for myself.