Yeah - I did say that to him. I said, 'I'm not having a go at you, I just need a bit of a pep talk because I've had a hard morning,' but the fact is, he just can't do that for me right now and I need to accept that. Instead he wanted to talk - and demanded that I listen (then blamed me for the length of the phone call) to him tell me how frustrated he was about me not making Eldest do more for himself. And he is right about that - Eldest does need to shift himself a bit more in the mornings and at other times - and the boundaries have been working well with him but there is further to go. I listened, and I said, 'I know you're right about a lot of this. And I am doing my best. And I need, sometimes, for you to choose your time and sometimes just offer a bit of support,' and that's when it got more heated so we both ended the call. I don't think the problem is me not asking for what I need specifically and assertively. I think the problem is my not accepting that he just can't do it. Maybe he can't do it now because he is stressed. Maybe he can't do it now because he needs me to empathise with his sense of frustration first. Maybe he just can't do it at all because he doesn't have it in him. I don't know. And either way what I need to do today is accept that we don't have that mutual team support thing going on, and turn towards my own resources. I don't want a marriage like that, so either he will change and start to offer more, or I will go on my own way without him.
I don't feel self pitying now. I do feel a bit empowered to make some changes in the morning routine. And I do think I am a bit further along in accepting that a) H can't be a team player with me right now and b) I don't want a marriage where there isn't mutual support going on.
I suppose what I am learning today is the same as what I needed to learn when he was round the other night, having a 20 minute go at me for all my faults. He seems to have so much pent up anger and bitterness towards me that any time I go towards him asking for something, he uses it as the opportunity to vent some of that. And I think I've heard enough about my failings a parent and a wife and a human being now. There are many many many of them, and I am working on them, and I will never be perfect. And I will always do things that he just doesn't particularly like, and he can learn to live with that without nastiness, or not. But I just want some constructive conversations about how to go forward together, or for us to part. And I think I just can't go to him for support any more because he isn't currently able to offer it verbally (though I acknowledge he has been doing some practical things to help).
